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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:34 PM                        Rated G Hogtied Sandra: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men. Cindy: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men. Sandra: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 09:11 AM                        Rated PG Don't be on this flight "This is Captain Sinclair speaking.On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side,you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean,you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot,and one of the air stewardesses.This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 07:07 PM                        Rated G New Pilot A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 02:37 PM                        Rated PG :)Airline Pilots Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.First one says,"Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No,its Thursday!" Third one says,"So am I.Lets go get a beer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 10:56 AM                        Rated G All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:01 AM                        Rated PG Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... 7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car). 9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. 11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!.. 12. Don't worry! That one is always on E... 13. Get the parachutes ready... 14. Drinks are on me... 15. I'll have what the Captain's having... 16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:43 PM                        Rated G I was at the airport, checking in at the gate,when the airport employee asked, "Has anyoneput anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly,"That's why we ask."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 12:42 PM                        Rated G FLYING It was one of those cloudy,hot days in Texas.The poor little commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky. The pilot came on the intercom and said,"Ladies and Gentlemen,we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence,but don't worry.Should anything go wrong,you'll know immediately.Our co-pilot will become hysterical."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude,when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry,but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with:[b] "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."[b]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated PG Fly Free: A Texas travel agency is offering a nude flight from Miami to Mexico in May. If you're a guy,don't get an aisle seat. It's bad enough when the beverage cart bumps your elbow.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:42 PM                        Rated G ...................Sue Bee A nervous attendant on a flight announced:"I don't know how this happened, we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down,she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later."If anyone wants to change his mind,we still have 29 dinners available!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:07 PM                        Rated PG There was a man at the back of the airplane during the meal service ringing his call-button over and over again. An alarmed flight attendant ran to the man and inquired, "My Goodness, sir,is there something wrong?" The man lifted up his meal to the flight attendant and growled, "Is THIS what I get for $99.00?" "No,replied the flight attendant,YOU are what WE get!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 08:44 AM                        Rated PG The Top 17 Slogans for Hooters Air =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 17> Where Flight Attendants Double as Flotation Devices 16> Relax -- the *Engines* Are Real 15> When You Fly Hooters, You Fly the Very Breast! 14> Low Fares, Convenient Scheduling and Humongous Fake Breasts (Not Necessarily in That Order) 13> 38-24-747! 12> We Put the T&A in "Trans-Atlantic" 11> Where Every Seat Is a Cockpit 10> Scenic Mountain Views on Every Flight! 9> We Love to Fly in Chilly Cabins -- and It Shows! 8> Full Upright Position? Count on It! 7> We Defy Gravity Every Day! 6> Official Airline of the Baltimore Aureoles 5> Don't Get Any Smart Ideas About That Bagel on Your Tray, Buddy 4> No, They're Not Natural... but Neither Is Flying 3> Pray for Turbulence 2> Boeing! Boeing! and Number 1 Slogan for Hooters Air... 1> This Is One Airline Them Al-Qaeda Freaks Ain't Gonna Be Flying  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:05 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine CAJUN AIRLINES: Pierre and Boudreaux were flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulance an started bouncing around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!" "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don' you worry about nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus', how high are you an what's you position?" Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane." "No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?" Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!" "No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!" Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine we got four feet off da ground an I don't believe dis plane's related to you airport!" A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G An airlines reservation clerk was really getting sleepy at 4 AM when she took a call that turned out to be a "heavy breather." She listened quietly for a couple of minutes of his lewd descriptions of what he wanted to do to her...finally, she couldn't take anymore and said, "Sir, call Delta, they're ready when you are..."  |  IP: Logged

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