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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2007 11:42 AM                        Rated G Jim 1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and takethem with you with our compliments." 3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 12:07 PM                        Rated G Francis Fullerfrogs I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area. "A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:08 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Because I’m a commercial pilot, I decided to treat my ten-year- old son’s birthday guests to a short sightseeing flight in a rental plane. After we had boarded the aircraft, I read aloud each item on the preflight checklist and, as is my custom, touched each switch and control named. It was taking some time to complete this, and midway through I felt a tap on my elbow. "Excuse me," one young passenger said nervously, "but have you ever done this before?"  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 04-30-2007 10:01 PM                        Rated G from today's AVwebFlash Short Final (and IFR Magazine's On the Air) Overheard between a Cessna 310 driver and Chicago Center: Chicago Center: Cessna One Two Three Five Bravo, I’ll bring you in a little high so I don’t lose radar contact while vectoring you to the ILS. Do you think you’ll have any problem losing the necessary altitude to make the approach? Cessna 1235B: No problem Center, this baby comes down like a Bonanza full of doctors!  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 05-30-2007 04:28 PM                     RATED M On a passenger flight , the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what alttitude they'll be flying , the expected arrival time , and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 07-17-2007 05:28 PM                        Rated G from this week's AVwebFlash Short Final (and IFR Magazine's On the Air) We were leaving Martha’s Vineyard when my student nervously contacted Cape Approach: Cessna 38W: Cape Approach, Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, student pilot departing the Vineyard, requesting advisories to New Bedford. Cape Approach: Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, Cape Approach. This should be interesting. I’m a student controller, squawk 2234, and ident.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-09-2007 02:38 PM                        Rated G Quirk "At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything." -George Wallace  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2007 02:10 PM                        Rated G Lulu Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?" his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2007 08:33 AM                        Rated R A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink... He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:54 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Several months ago I went on a business trip to the enormous Boeing factory in Redmond, WA, where I was able to crawl on and around several 747s, 767s, and 777s airliners in various stages of assembly. I noticed that the engines aren't attached until the rest of the plane is pretty much assembled. To keep the airplanes from tipping while work crews are in the fuselage, enormous weights are hung from chains on the wings, dangling above the floor like bizarre Christmas ornaments. Each weight is a solid slab of steel the size of golf cart and is painted with fluorescent, reflective yellow paint. Most interesting is the boldface label stenciled on each side of the weight: "7,800 LBS. REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:16 AM                        Rated G Gerry Pilot to airline passengers: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that we have a hijacker on board. The good news is, he wants to go to the French Riviera."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine During a training flight takeoff, as I was tightening a loose hydraulic connection, I suddenly saw that an engine was on fire. Wrench in hand, I turned, tapped the pilot calmly on the shoulder with it and told him, "We're on fire." He soon had us safely back on the ground. A short time later I was modestly explaining my great presence of mind in a trying situation to an admiring audience. Just then two medics passed with our pilot on a stretcher. Startled, I called out, "What's the matter with him?" "Broken shoulder!" was the reply.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2008 02:32 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN THE AIRPORT 10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20." 9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags." 8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase." 7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!" 6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package." 5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed." 4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed." 3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting." 2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila." 1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "The devil himself had probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts." Anthony Price  |  IP: Logged

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