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Topic: Aviation

Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000

posted 02-20-2006 01:53 PM

Rated G from today's AVwebflash Short Final:

JFK Tower: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

JFK Tower: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 02-28-2006 12:37 PM

Rated G Lorraine

I was one of the last to board the aircraft, and after struggling past passengers stowing their gear, I finally reached my seat. Sitting by the aisle was a lady in her late 70s, still dressed in her hat and coat, clutching her purse. Because I was laden down with my briefcase and heavy parka, I said to her, "If you'd like the window seat, you're welcome to it."

"No, thank you," she replied as she started to get up.

"Please just stay where you are," I said, "I'll crawl over you."

She rewarded me with a big smile and said, "That's wonderful! I haven't had a man crawl over me for years." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 02-28-2006 08:22 PM

Rated G Lulu

During a layover in a Kansas airport, I couldn't help but notice someone's name being called over the public-address system, followed by this announcement:

"We have found your hearing aid. You may come and pick it up from the customer-service counter." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-02-2006 11:15 AM

Rated G B.B.

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in my butt and get there faster."

The clerk smiled and said, "Yeah, and you'd save extra time by not having to go through Security!

Go for it!" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-04-2006 01:47 PM

Rated G Lorraine

Because I had heard there was a bar on the upper deck of a 747 airplane on chartered flights to Hawaii, I was curious to see if this was also true on the British Airways 747 flight over the Atlantic on which I was a passenger. The chief steward let me go up to the second level to take a peek. There were only more seats and more passengers. When the steward asked me what I thought, I told him I was disappointed that there was no bar and no wild orgy up there.

After I was back in my seat, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the steward. He held his clenched hand just above mine. I opened my hand and into it dropped a grape. "This is the closest you'll get to an orgy on British Airways," he proclaimed. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-17-2006 09:00 PM

Rated XX

A mother and her son were flying Aer Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-19-2006 09:27 PM

Rated G

I once went for a job at an airline.

The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her... it would be a great chance to meet men.

She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere."

I said, "Strapped down?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-21-2006 03:30 PM

Rated G cutie pa2ti

I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I want this piece to go to Cleveland, Ohio,this piece to Toronto, Canada, and this piece to Miami, Florida.

The airline agent said, "We can't do that."

I replied, "Well, you did it last week." [Big Grin]

~Sorta of Henny Youngman~

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-25-2006 08:01 AM

Rated G Bruce

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes." [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000

posted 04-03-2006 11:11 AM

Rated G from today's Avflash

Overheard while being vectored to the ILS 10 at KMSY the other day:

Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.

Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.

Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.

Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?

Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic behind you, if that's OK.

Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.

[pause]

Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to 5,000 first. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 04-06-2006 01:45 PM

Rated G B.B.

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.

"Ed, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."

"Now it's the "BOX OFFICE" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 04-07-2006 07:34 AM

Rated G B.B.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story is that he took off out of Las Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force starts a full security check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane; give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They set his heading and send him back to Vegas.

The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says:

"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night....." [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000

posted 04-10-2006 11:28 AM

Rated G from today's AvFlash

Overheard this on the tower frequency at Amsterdam Schiphol Airport
(EHAM for you ICAO types, AMS for you IATA types)...

Tower: KL123, runway 24, cleared to land.

KL123: (with a loud background noise) Thank you sir, KL123 cleared to land runway 24.

Tower: KL123, what is that high noise on the background?

KL123: It's just normal cockpit noise.

Tower: You sound like a Fokker 50 cabriolet.

KL123: Fine, I'll close the window. [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000

posted 04-19-2006 01:35 AM

Rated G from yesterday's AvWebFlash Short Final:

[Ed: Obviously this one dates from before 2003.]

Proudly flying my new Lancair Columbia 350 into Tucson International, having been cleared for the visual to 11L, I heard this interchange with a regional jet:

Tower: RJ1234 you're cleared for the visual following the Columbia on a one mile final.

(pause)

RJ1234: ...I'm following the Space Shuttle?!! [Big Grin]

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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!

Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000

posted 04-20-2006 01:13 PM

Rated G from this morning's Sun

quote:
Pilot's SOS For Lift Home

By CHARLES RAE

A CHEEKY airline pilot sent out an SOS to stunned passengers: “This is your captain — can anyone give me a lift home?”

The British Airways flight was about to land in Manchester when he added over the intercom: “If anyone is travelling to Hale or Altrincham I’d be really grateful to have a lift. I am no trouble really. If not, I will get a taxi.”

He then stood at the cabin door as everyone got off to see if anyone obliged — but nobody did.

Some passengers on the flight from Gatwick were amused, but others were shocked at the unnamed captain’s audacity.

One said: “Some of us burst out laughing, but he was deadly serious. The cabin crew seemed very embarrassed.”

A flight stewardess told The Sun: “I think if the company knew, he’d be hauled into the office. It’s so tacky for the pilot to ask for a lift from passengers.”

But BA refused to condemn him last night. A spokeswoman said: “Never let it be said our pilots lack ingenuity.”

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