My kind of CRM (Cockpit Resource Management) ^_^

"Interesting" (in the Chinese sense) traffic call overheard on an LA Center frequency:

"Tango twin Cessna 49Q, traffic 12 o'clock, less than a block...
If you can still read me it's no longer a factor."

Reminded me of my favorite reply to a pointout when I was a controller, "Lovely deal, no thanks!"

Here's a classic, probably based on a true incident. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

* * * *

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the podium. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the concourse. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up."

AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Qantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

THE BLONDE'S DELAYED PLANE!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the
training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson,"
said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses.

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Anna was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little airplane charm on a long gold chain.

All night long the joke moderator, a dweebish looking guy named Bob, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Bob gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond
of the landing field."

Airplanes

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==============

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-
witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===============

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the
pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

==================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

=====================

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

====================

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Bob's last one above reminded me of the sick humor always present at the FAA Academy, where I used to hear this instructor comment whenever a student controller would set up a "loss of separation" in the lab:

"Approach, Tower. Copy special weather. Aluminum showers east of the airport..."

* * * * *

NOTE: Runways are numbered by taking their direction from magnetic north and dividing it to the nearest ten, e.g. 253 deg. yields runway 25. Parallels get L, C, or R added to the number as appropriate.

ANOTHER NOTE: America West's (IATA code HP) radio callsign is "Cactus."

Overheard some years ago at LAS while returning from yet another successful Grand Canyon tour mission in the Barf Bag Bomber:

HP870: Las Vegas Approach, Cactus 870 with you level 10 thousand for the ILS 25 Right, information Bravo, we'd like to keep the speed up to the outer marker.

LAS: Cactus 870, Las Vegas Approach, fly heading 250, vectors to the ILS 25 Right, say your airspeed.

HP870: Cactus 870, 250 knots.

LAS: Cactus 870, unable the speed request, reduce to 180.

HP870: Approach, we'd like to keep the speed up to the outer if we can.

LAS: Cactus 870, sir the number is 180. Make it either your airspeed or your heading.

Pilot: "Pilot to tower...pilot to tower...we're four hundred miles
from land, eight hundred feet high and running out of fuel...please
instruct...over."

The Ten Commandments of Air Traffic Control

I. Pity the poor controller, for his troubles are many and the transgressions against him number into the thousands, yea even unto millions.

II. Therefore, show thy mercy unto him for he is sorely tired. He acteth as guardian angel to poor misguided birdmen--and in return receiveth harsh words, unkind looks, and hath all kinds of evil happenings bestowed upon him.

III. His every act is guided by the manual called ATC 7110.65 and should he transgress therefrom, even to the extent of LO, one misapplied portion of phraseology, all hands will revile him and make light of his powers.

IV. Therefore I say unto you, honor the poor controller.

V. Speak to him with a voice of honey. Use him as a brother lest he becometh excited, loseth his wits, and giveth thee a right turnout when a left turn befitteth the occasion. For lo, he loveth a calm and courteous pilot above all things.

VI. Should conditions surrounding thee be that which is called IFR, ask him not for VFR takeoff, for should he allow it he will find himself in sore trouble with the entity known as FAA, and the law of the land adjudgeth harsh penalties upon these happenings.

VII. When the controller sayeth unto you with a voice of urgency "Hold!" holdest thou with the greatest expediency and without argument lest this be the last time that thou holdest.

VIII. Should the voice from the air, which is the controller's clear thee for takeoff, go thou like the wind for perchance there be a machine of flight on a short base which planneth to use the very surface upon which thou setteth in a very short while, yea even unto seconds.

IX. When thou hearest the words from the little black box saying "unable to approve account of traffic," beseech thou him not from thy lofty position to change his decision for lo, had not the traffic been there the words would not have been spoken, for he hath the eye of an eagle, and his view of the traffic pattern is unrestricted.

X. Turn from thy appointed way hurriedly when instructed by him, lest thou find thy propeller making merry with thy fellow birdman's empennage, for the controller seeth things which thou cannot, yea, even in thy wildest dreams.

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be fucking kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well,maybe five gallons.Make that six,so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose yourremaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used; every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer:But what are all these,"Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half gallons. One $5half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you
started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

True Airline Story

At Chicago's Ohare Field, a long line of aircraft waited their turn to take off. Suddenly their radios came alive with the following announcement from the control tower: "Attention all aircraft, there will be a 45 minute delay in take offs. All aircraft hold until further notice".

After which a mic was keyed up and "Bullshit"! went out over the
airwaves.

This was immediately responded to by the tower chief: "Using profanity on the radio is a violation and I want the aircraft this
transmission came from to identify themselves".

One after another the airliners responded:

American 123-"Negative on the bullshit".

Braniff 401-"Negative on the bullshit".

United 888- "Negative on the bullshit".

and so on down the line.