Another true airline story

It seems this young lady was one of the first black stewardess(as they were called back then)to work for this particular airline.She was assigned to her first flight and after checking in with
the chief stewardess, was told that the Captain on this flight was a notorious bigot and it would be wise for her to be as invisable as possible. Further, it was his edict that immediately after take off one of the "stews" would bring him a cup of coffee.

Seeing an opportunity, the new stew insisted that she be the one. After much argument, the chief stewardess gave in.

The aircraft took off and the new stew marched right into the cockpit and tapped the captain on the shoulder.

When he looked around and saw her, his jaw dropped and she gave him a sweet smile and asked:

"What'll it be captain. Coffee, tea or watermelon"?

The story goes that the captain cracked up with laughter and they became great friends.

Who says that a good joke won't defuse a tense situation?

Advantages of being an airline pilot:

• Great pay
  
• Lots of time off
  
• All the stew you can eat
  

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

On a recent CO flight, CEO Gordon Bethune had pre-boarded the aircraft
and was sitting on the flight deck chatting with the Captain and First
Officer.

He left the flight deck just before pushback to take his assigned
First Class seat.

A OnePass Platinum Elite member boarded just before the flight pushed,and was furious that he had not been upgraded.Seeing several First Class seats open, he began to argue with the flight attendant over why he had not been upgraded.

The flight attendant said she would get a gate agent to look into the matter, but the Elite member began swearing at her profusely.

Gordon was on his way back from the cockpit when this occurred, and intervened, asking, "Can I help somehow?"

The passenger said, "Huh? Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm the CEO of this company," Gordon replied."May I see your ticket,
sir?"

The passenger gave his ticket to Gordon,who saw a total fare of
just under six hundred dollars.He then pulled out his billfold and peeled off six $100 bills, placing them in the man's hand.And then he tore the ticket up. "Now," Gordon said, "you get the fuck off my airplane!"

The flight attendant could barely contain herself.

COCKPIT DISPUTE

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along very well.

After about thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officern says, "No rike Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

SOFTWARE ENGINEERS

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Martha and Harry went to the fair every year. Every year Harry said to Martha.. I want a ride in the airplane... wouldn't it be so much fun up there in the sky so high!

Every year Martha would reply.. No Harry..it costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars..

This conversation kept on happenning but one year Harry said to
Martha, "I am 71 years old.. this may be my last chance to ride
in an airplane.."

So martha agreed and the airplane pilot made them a deal.. If you dont talk AT ALL throughout the trip well it wont cost you anything.. but if you talk AT ALL during the trip it will cost you Ten dollars..

So the plane flight came to an end after ten minutes of twists
and turns in the air and dives over the sea...

When the plane landed the pilot said You done very well not to
talk throughout the whole plane trip.

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Someone asked for a time check on the ground frequency at Dallas-Foat Wuth, but didn't identify himself. Rather than tie up the frequency asking who asked, the controller made a broadcast announcement:

"For the international operators, it's 1515 and one-quarter Zulu.

"For the domestic scheduled operators, it 9:15 Central Standard Time.

"For the air-taxi operators, Mickey's little hand is on the nine and his big hand is on the three.

"For you Braniff pilots, it's Tuesday."

The Cat & Duck Method of Flying Under IFR
(Instrument Flight Rules, a.k.a. I Follow Roads/Rivers/Railroads...)

Here's an alternate method for aircraft control while flying in IMC (Instrument Meteorological Conditions). For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, it can be used in lieu of the needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low, and if so, which one. The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations you need to be made aware of:

1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted flat spin.

3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IMC than you are.

5. Be sure that the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an aircraft.

6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.

7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. If your duck heads off for Canada or Mexico (or Cape York or Tasmania), you may be sure that you have been given the goose.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren't those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

In Britain:

A Royal Air Force pilot returned to active duty after getting sex change surgery to become a woman.

A flight attendant is on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak develops in the galley, which eventually soaks the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who becomes aware of the dampness tugs at the attendant's skirt as she passes by. “Has it been raining?” she asks the flight attendant.

Keeping a straight face, she replies, “Yes, but we put the top up.”

The best joke I know dealing with the word Superman is the true story about Muhammand Ali.

Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt.

He replied, “Superman don't need no seatbelt.”