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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 01:44 PM                        Rated X Pierre et Marie Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:20 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator,"Do you know what I use this for?" The nav replied timidly,"No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 10:32 AM                        Rated G Tower"Eastern 702,cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7." Eastern 702"Eastern 702 now switching to departure...by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower Continental 635Contact departure on 124.7;did you copy report from Eastern?" Continental 635"Continental635,cleared for takeoff roger, and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G The airlines are working much harder to deal with the problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated G Lorraine You can have a little snack or a full meal on a future America West flight -- but it's going to cost you.The "Arizona Republic" reports that the airline will start offering passengers sandwiches or snack boxes,for a price of $3 to $5. There are plans to add hot meals, such as chicken kiev, at a later date for $8 to $10 a serving.And you thought you had to travel by cruise ship to get sick… (Mark Wheeler)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated G When a young couple who never flew before came up to the reservationist and requested their ticket to Indianapolis-- she said: "Oh and will you be flying United?" The man replied right away: "No, I believe we'll just take individual seats this time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 10:02 AM                        Rated PG Michele A young lady went to a dance,and she had a lowcut,strapless gown on.Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.All night she noticed a young man,staring at her. In her embarrasment,she held up the airplane and said,"Oh, you like my airplane, huh?" The young man smiled mischievously."No ma'am,I was just admiring the landing field."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess.Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane." A few minutes later,the stewardess returned from the cockpit. She told the Rabbi,"Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight,he would still rather have just one good engine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 04:04 PM                        [b]Rated G  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 04:05 PM                        Rated G The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans 1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you. 2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings. 3. Join our frequent near-miss program. 4. On flights, every section is a smoking section. 5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin. 7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off. 8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall. 9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 10. The kids will love our inflatable slides. 11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane! 12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? 13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street. 15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 16. Bring a bathing suit. 17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view. 18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots. 19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us. 20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 06:18 PM                        Rated G AVIATION JOKES - Real flight announcements Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:19 AM                        Rated PG Frank A Texas travel agency which organises clothing-optional holidays,is to run what it claims is the world's first nude flight. Houston-based Castaways Travel says sex won't be allowed on the flight from Miami to Cancun in Mexico. It has chartered a Boeing 727 for up to 170 passengers for the May 3 flight to the El Dorado Resort & Spa. The crew will be professionally dressed,and passengers must be fully-clothed for check-in and takeoff. Company owner, James Bailey, said more than half the seats on the flight and rooms in the resort have already been booked, reports the Miami Herald. He told the newspaper:"Inappropriate behaviour is not condoned. This is not a Mile High Club, not a bunch of groupies or anything.It's just a fun flight." Only when the plane has reached its cruising altitude can the passengers strip off. The Federal Aviation Administration said:We have no regulations pertaining to nudity on board an aircraft.It's not a safety issue."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 07:37 AM                        Rated G :)Sue Bee Rumour has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep the pilot and passengers cool. What, you don’t believe this? If it stops, just watch them start to sweat.  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 02-27-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G Some pilots make it a rule to not fly cross-country at night in single-engine aircraft, but such flying never particularly bothered me (time-building newbie professional pilots can't afford such rules). Friends would ask "But what do you do if the engine quits?" My response: "That's easy. Turn on the landing lights. If you don't like what you see, turn them off."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 02-27-2003 12:38 PM                        Rated G During my commercial pilot certification ride, I asked the examiner about our airplane's (a Piper Lance) real-world power-off glide characteristics. His observation: "Flies just like a piano."  |  IP: Logged

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