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Author Topic: Aviation Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 02-28-2003 05:35 AM                        Rated G Air Canada pilots aren't going to have any problems now that they've got their new gear.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G Anonymous Author While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom.However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:03 PM                        Rated G Lorraine On March 31,1989 thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a glowing flying saucer descending on their city. Many of them pulled to the side of the road to watch the bizarre craft float through the air. The saucer finally landed in a field on the outskirts of London where local residents immediately called the police to warn them of an alien invasion. Soon the police arrived on the scene,and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon extended before him. When a door in the craft popped open, and a small, silver- suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction. The saucer turned out to be a hot-air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36- year-old chairman of Virgin Records. The stunt combined his passion for ballooning with his love of pranks. His plan was to land the craft in London's Hyde Park on April 1. Unfortunately, the wind blew him off course, and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G Flight Rules: No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated G A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy,turn right at the end of the runway,if able.If not able,take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 12:34 PM                        Rated G TWO STRANGERS WERE SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE PLANE WHEN THE FIRST GUY TURNED TO THE SECOND AND SAID, "LET'S TALK, I'VE HEARD THAT FLIGHTS WILL GO QUICKER IF YOU STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER." THE SECOND GUY, WHO HAD JUST OPENED A BOOK, CLOSED IT SLOWLY, TOOK OFF HIS GLASSES AND SAID TO THE FIRST GUY, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCUSS?" "OH, I DON'T KNOW," SAID THE FIRST GUY, "HOW ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER?" "OK," SAID THE SECOND GUY. "THAT COULD BE AN INTERESTING TOPIC. BUT FIRST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. A HORSE, COW, AND A DEER ALL EAT GRASS. THE SAME STUFF. YET A DEER EXCRETES LITTLE PELLETS WHILE A COW TURNS OUT A FLAT PATTY, AND A HORSE PRODUCES CLUMPS OF DRIED GRASS. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT IS ?" "JEEZ," SAID THE FIRST GUY. "I HAVE NO IDEA." "Well, THEN, " SAID THE SECOND GUY, "HOW IS IT THAT YOU FEEL QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS NUCLEAR POWER WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:36 PM                        Rated G The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle,a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied,"Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:40 PM                        Rated G It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl,after a long pause):"Well.. I've got something down there.Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G "Ladies and Gentlemen, we ask that you stay seated with your seatbelt fastened until the plane comes to a complete stop at the gateand the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign.By the way,I've seen the captain's car and regard this as excellent advice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated G Do you remember the good old days when flight attendants handed out magazines like Better Homes and Gardens and Good Housekeeping? Now they handout stuff like Soldier of Fortune and Guns and Ammo." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 04-30-2003 08:05 PM                        Rated G I was taxiing out in a rented Piper PA-44 for departure from the Orange County John Wayne airport when ground control gave this instruction to an airliner following me out: Ground: Cactus xxx taxi to runway 19L, traffic to follow is a Piper..., ugh Piper... Stand by one. Me: Seminole. Ground: Yeah, that's it, Seminole. All those Indians look alike to me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G Flying Has Never Been the Same! According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Lorraine On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said,"but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:24 AM                        Rated G A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced,"Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired minister."Now, now,keep calm," he said."Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately,the group bowed their heads to pray,except one man."Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well,just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle,taking an offering.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:02 AM                        Rated G Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,"Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance."  |  IP: Logged

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