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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter, yelling and using foul language.However,the agent was polite,pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent,"Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it.He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 12:57 PM                        Rated G To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced,the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates,we heard the announcement:"The correct answer is 26 years.For the two people who came closest with 28 years,we have prizes.And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years,would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 10:23 PM                        Rated G During my shift as a customer-service agent at Detroit Metro Airport,I was approached by a woman who was so upset that I thought maybe she'd missed a connection or lost a child. "I left a book on the plane!" she said frantically. I assumed this had to be a rare first edition of some kind. "Okay," I said. "Just tell me the title of the book." "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and It's All Small Stuff!!" she replied through her tears.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Holy Family in a Plane A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?" The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 09:47 AM                        RatedG Charlie A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of themdampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 09:55 AM                        Rated G Michele A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married. "It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 12:26 PM                        Rated G Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 07:00 PM                        Rated g Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes dowthe aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says,"Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff." Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman doesn't need a seatbelt." "Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need an airplane either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the plane,finds his seat and settles in, but does not fasten his seatbelt.The flight attendant comes down the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says,"Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff." Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman doesn't need a seatbelt." "Superman," the flight attendant said, "doesn't need an airplane either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 06:18 PM                        Rated G Janine A lady telephoned the airline and asked how long it took to fly to Boston.The clerk replied, "Just a minute." "Thank you," said the lady, as she hung up. Traveller: I'd like a round trip ticket. Ticket seller: I'm sorry, all our tickets are square.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G Airline Announcements 1. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 3. "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." 4. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.". 5. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft." 7. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." 8. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA ...!" 9. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." 10. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G A blond trainee pilot was asked: "What model of plane do you fly?" He answered: "It's a tri-engine plane." "What do you mean, the tri-engine plane?" "Well,it has two engines,so if one goes bad,we try the other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 03:13 AM                        Rated G "Singapore Airlines now features seats that fold out to become beds.You can actually lie down and sleep on the flight.That's an improvement.Now when the flight attendant rolls the beverage carts down the aisle,instead of just smashing a knee,they'll split your head open." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:43 AM                        Rated G : Lorraine Whenever an armed forces pilot is involved in an aircraft accident, he is required to make a statement of the cause. One young pilot summed up his mishap thus: "I believe the cause of the accident was administrative. I should never have graduated from flight school."  |  IP: Logged

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