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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated G Lorraine As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight,a flight attendant announced,"We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot.He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today,so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." The plane made an extremely bumpy landing,bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out.Still,the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom,"Thanks for flying with us.And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 09:02 AM                        Rated G Heard on the airplane in regard to smoking... On a Delta commuter flight to Tennessee... The attendant gave the standard warning about the illegality of tampering with the smoke detection devices in the lavatory. He added that if you indeed were caught tampering with said devices, you would be promptly removed from the plane and would have to walk the rest of the way to your destination. Heard on America West... "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 09-22-2003 10:08 PM                        Rated G ATC: "Speedbird xxx, you're number two to land, traffic is a Lufthansa flight on a one mile final." Speedbird: "Roger, I got the Messerschmitt in my sights." <pause> German-accented voice: "Dat vas not funny."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 06:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea,or you're anxious to meet people who do." --Henry Kissinger- former US Secretary of State  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2003 12:14 PM                        Rated G A friend of mine was telling me her flight from Boston to New York was delayed, which meant she missed her connection home to Seattle.She joined a group of other passengers, all in the same boat,each hoping to book seats on the next flight out. All of the passengers waited patiently except for one man who treated the ticket agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved and I BETTER get an aisle seat when we get on another plane," he ranted and raved. A few minutes later the ticket agent announced that there would be room for everyone."And, sir," she said, addressing the rude fella,"I'm happy to tell you that I was able to get you an aisle seat, sir." The man, still mutter, picked up his carry on, grabbed his boarding pass, and headed through the door. The agent continued, "And I'm also pleased to announce the rest of you will be seated in First Class."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The woman traveling to Israel had checked her baggage thru, except for the cage carrying her dog, for which she wanted special handling and checking, which she received. The flight was uneventful. After landing, the baggage appeared after a normal wait.However, the dog cage was not there. The baggage handlers had checked the cage earlier and noticed that the dog was not moving.They thought that the dog must have died in the cold baggage compartment.It looked like an ordinary cocker spaniel, so they decided to find another cocker spaniel to put in the cage. In the meantime,the woman kept asking about the rest of her baggage.She was told that it was delayed because of the special handling required and to be patient. Time dragged on for her while the baggage handlers found a replacement dog in a pet shop, which they put into the cage. They finally brought the cage with the dog to her and she looked into the cage. She jumped back with a horrified look and screamed out, "THIS is not my dog!! MY DOG was DEAD and I was bringing her here for a proper Jewish burial!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A single-engine F-16 Eagle jet fighter was flying escort to a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying barrel rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The Eagle pilot's taunt to the B-52 crew was 'anything you can do, I can do better.' Not to be outdone,the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.However,the B-52 continued its boring flight path, straight and level. Eager to respond in kind, but perplexed, the F-16 fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines," came the bomber pilot's reply. [ 10-29-2003, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated G Michele An off-duty steward for Singapore Airlines gave passengers more than they bargained for when he stripped naked and frolicked around the aircraft. After throwing the contents of his wallet around,he spilled a glass of wine over passengers seated near him and started shouting as he made his way to the bathroom in the middle of the plane. Crew members could not reach him at first because they were stuck behind meal trolleys.Once they got to him,they covered him with blankets and took him to the toilet,where he finally put his clothes back on. After the plane landed,he was taken to a hospital and has since been placed on medical leave.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 01:44 PM                        Rated G Michele Can someone out there explain why if you fly directly from Memphis to Columbus,OH,it costs $400,but if you fly from Memphis to Detroit to Dayton it only costs $168? Does AOL run the airlines too?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 05:35 AM                        Rated G While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down.Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest,and jerked open theexit door."Don't jump!" the pilot yelled."This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 11:52 AM                        Rated G Michele Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven." "I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?" "It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 11-14-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G Helicopters don't fly, they beat the air into submission. Helicopters don't fly, they are so ugly the Earth repels them. Helicopters is fun. Especially to fly. But not everyone likes them. A Navy aircraft crew chief friend's one-line description of them: "Twist and turn, crash and burn."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As a frequent flier,I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate.One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you,I'd remain seated."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Michele When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah,a woman told the man sitting beside her,"I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." "That's true," he replied,"as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting," she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, Ma'am."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2003 07:36 PM                        Rated PG Signs you have chosen a "No Frills" airline: You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,"Just once." No movie.Don't need one.Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.  |  IP: Logged

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