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Topic: Aviation
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 08-25-2003 06:01 PM
Rated G ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
A man is sitting aboard an airliner which is about to push back when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne."
After they get to cruise altitude the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. The Lab then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. The handler says "Good boy." and turns to the first man, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again, the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine. So again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
The handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles again. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
![[evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 08-29-2003 04:13 PM
Paul's last reminds me of an old USN designation for
Commander Fleet Atomic Reactor Testing Pacific: COMFARTPAC
Wonder why they changed it?
Thanks to Dave Huskinson for reminding me of this one, rated G. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The tower controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a rather curt and short-tempered lot, much like the guys at JFK. They not only expect one to know one's gate location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt Ground, Speedbird 206 with you clear of the active."
Ground: "Speedbird 206, Frankfurt Ground, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944--but I didn't land."
* * * * *
A Lufthansa flight and a British Airways flight with identical proposed departure times taxied out for takeoff at Heathrow. The Lufthansa flight reached the runway first, but the tower cleared the Speedbird for takeoff first.
Lufthansa: "Tower, we were ready to go first--why did you let the Speedbird out ahead of us?"
Before the tower could reply, the now rolling Speedbird piped up "Because we already had our towels on the runway!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 07:25 AM
Rated G Rules of Flying........
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward,the houses get bigger.If you
pull the stick back,they get smaller.That is,unless you keep
pulling the stick all the way back,then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous.Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there
than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool.When it stops, you can actually watch the
pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt,hold on to your altitude.No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others.You won't live long enough
to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full
power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival.Large angle of arrival,small probability of
survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds.The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to
hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to
the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly;they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment,things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per
hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward
as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,runway behind you, gas back at the airport,and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are,
however,no old, bold pilots.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 08:15 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston
Cockpit funnies - these are great!
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
==========================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
===========================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
==========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call sign "Speedbird 206".
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
==========================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
===========================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 08:54 AM
Rated PG
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly for Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in an F-14D Tomcat.
Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have--John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity:
Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!
I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.
He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger- crippling handshake-the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly.
His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign-like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot--but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy- rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.
Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.
It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks.
We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to
throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less money per year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-05-2003 07:39 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise.We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.
Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him
aboard."Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"
Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to
display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said,
"I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."
"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because
this will be our first."
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