|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Aviation
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-15-2008 08:43 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and s tretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-22-2008 12:02 PM
Rated PG - 13 Ed in Aurora, Ont.
After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto . The weather ahead is good,so we should have a smooth,uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . "OH, MY GOD!", he suddenly screamed.'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Newfie passenger yelled, 'Lard tunderin jesus b'y...you should see the back of mine!'
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 04-03-2008 10:26 AM
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-17-2008 03:18 PM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
|
posted 08-03-2008 12:29 PM
Rated G From my airline's monthly safety newsletter
quote:
NEW AIRLINE RULES
(any similarity to a real airline is purely coincidental)
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit. And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For crying out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-25-2008 08:16 AM
Rated X Jokester
Pierre
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Chantelle, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Chantelle leans over to Pierre and says:
"Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Chantelle's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Chantelle. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Chantelle says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Chantelle. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!' They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Chantelle leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Chantelle shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Chantelle throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
|
This topic comprises 23 pages: 1 2 3 ... 19 20 21 22 23
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic