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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:59 AM                        Rated G Announcement at a London Airport: Will the gentleman who left his hearing aid aboard flight 173 from Paris, please call at the information desk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 10:06 AM                        Rated G The saying "getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:33 AM                        Rated G Michele Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty. "What would you do?"  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 04-06-2005 03:46 PM                        Why did the new Airbus 'super jumbo' [new 800-seat passenger jet which was developed using bazillions of European taxpayers' money, has not flown yet and which is rumoured to have fundamental design flaws comparable to those of the Bristol Brabazon and the Spruce Goose] cross the road? Because the plane is incapable of taking off and flying over it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated PG An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle,he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. "Tray-up, Bitch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2005 02:09 PM                        Rated R "United's "Ted" airlines is expanding its service. What a dumb name. "Ted" comes from the last three letters of United. I'm waiting for Continental to merge with Aer Lingus and form Con-Lingus Airlines."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2005 12:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine While piloting an aircraft, I overheard, on a common radio frequency, one of those "This is the captain speaking...." announcements. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "we're now saying good-bye to Nova Scotia, and Bangor, Maine, is on the nose. A thin overcast layer of cloud is over Bangor, and we expect to land, on time, at 2:00 p.m." The pilot had barely stopped speaking when the aircraft radio came alive. "Very nice," quipped one pilot in a nearby aircraft. "Well done!" another retorted. "Exceptionally well said," was the final comment. Immediately the pilot replied, "Now that I've tried it out on you guys, do you think I'm ready for the passengers?" He had forgotten to select the microphone for his aircraft PA system.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 05:38 PM                        Rated G I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot extension ladder with a coathanger. -Steven Wright  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 04:07 PM                        Rated G My husband used to be a test pilot for the Air Force. One day I told him I was concerned about him taking a plane up for the first time after it had been repaired. "Don't worry, dear," he reassured me. "The mechanic knows he'll be going up with me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2005 11:06 AM                        Rated G The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans 1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you. 2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings. 3. Join our frequent near-miss program. 4. On certain flights, every section is a smoking section. 5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin. 7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off. 8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall. 9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 10. The kids will love our inflatable slides. 11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane! 12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? 13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street. 15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 16. Bring a bathing suit. 17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view. 18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots. 19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us. 20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 05-23-2005 11:10 AM                        Rated G from this morning's AvFlash: Sometimes a little sports knowledge goes a long way. Overheard on the Houston Deperture frequency... DEP: Aircraft XYZ, contact Yao Ming on 123.45 Pilot: ...Huh? DEP: Houston Center.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2005 05:18 PM                        Rated G Pilots can now carry handguns, except for the pilots who failed the psychological exam. They're not allowed to carry guns, just fly airplanes with people on them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2005 05:31 PM                        Rated G At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:21 PM                        Rated G Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:25 PM                        Rated G Lulu I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down. Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat. "My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now." [ 06-23-2005, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

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