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Author Topic: Aviation Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 12:27 PM                        Rated G The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !" Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 10:19 AM                        Rated G Gerry A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2006 11:30 AM                        Rated G B.B. Question... "What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2006 06:52 AM                        Rated G As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 03:09 PM                        Rated G In airplanes, why is there no window in the toilet? Who on earth is going to see in?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2006 11:27 AM                        Rated G Lulu I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 12:09 PM                        Rated G Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 12:29 PM                        Rated G As the turbulence increased and lightning began lighting up the dark night outside the airplane's windows, the passengers within were growing more and more restive. Finally, a young woman turned to a clergyman across the aisle and said with a nervous twinkle, "I see you're a man of God. Any chance you can do something about all this turbulence?" The reply came with a quiet smile: "Sorry, my dear, but you must realize I'm only in sales not management."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 05:08 PM                        Rated G The FAA may allow small scissors and nail clippers back on airplanes. This will allow security screeners more time for what they are better prepared. Taking breaks. Ray  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 02-06-2006 03:42 PM                        Rated G From today's AVwebflash: Overheard at my local 'drome this [superbowl] weekend... N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please. Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right. [short pause] Unknown: Hike!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 07:31 PM                        Rated G Paul, are you shue it wasn't Hic! I'll have another..Hic..Hic.  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 02-06-2006 09:11 PM                        Rated G One of my last PA announcements: "Don't worry about those empty bottles rolling back from the flight deck. That's just the crew preparing for the landing." (What we need around here is an emoticon for eating butter tarts.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:19 PM                        Rated G We've all heard the stat it's safer to fly in a plane than to drive in a car. What about the stat that says it's safer to CRASH in a car than it is in a plane?! You get in a car wreck, people say, "Was anyone hurt?" You get in a plane wreck,people say,"Was anyone RECOGNIZABLE?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 12:00 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took place between air traffic controllers and pilots around the world. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the followin: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway whilea DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 02-20-2006 12:52 PM                        Rated G Controller: R123 radar contact, say type of your wingman. R123: Uh, R123's a single flight today. Controller: Oooooo, you have traffic then!  |  IP: Logged

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