10 Things That Piss Me Off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?

7. The radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake

8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?

9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Ten best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...

10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone

4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes

When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.

What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"

Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.

What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.

Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.

What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

5. Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."

3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

Top 10 Reasons: You know you drink too much coffee when...

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."

* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

10. "Whoops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff?"

9. "I can't read page 47 in this manual with this blood all over it!"

8. "Accept this sacrifice, oh, lord of darkness."

7. "Rex!! Come back with that! Bad dog!"

6. "Wait! If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

5. "Has anyone seen my watch?"

4. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

3. "That's cool! But can you make his leg twitch?"

2. "This patient has already had children, am I correct?"

TEN Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

10 Things That Piss Me Off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, ''Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. ''Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say, ''It's always in the last place you look.'' Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, ''Did you see that?'' No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling?

7. The radio ad: ''Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.'' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake

8. People who ask, ''Can I ask you a question?'' Didn't really give me a choice, didja there buddy?

9. When something is ''new and improved.'' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Ski Season-Top 10 Ways to Pretend   

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow maker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes

When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.

What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"

Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.

What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.

Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.

What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.

How do you know if a man's happy?
See if he has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

The Top Pet Peeves of Pets

~Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

~Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!.

~Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. I am lord. So I must continue patrolling!

~Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!!

~Dog: Human legs that just tease.

~Cat: Why are these people in my house?

~Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!

~Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!".

Top 11 Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel

11. Sexual Harassment Citadel Cadet "Action" Figure.

10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit

9. G.I. Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough

8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy

7. Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included)

6. Cabbage Patch Hookers

5. "Li'l" Unabomber" Chemistry Set

4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew

3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game

2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey w/ Powerful Taste for Human Flesh

Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:

10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's
too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour
ago."