Top 10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

Top 10 Man-gina/She-nis Activities

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina

10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half

8. See if he could finally do a split

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet

6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too

1. Finally find that damn G-Spot

Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world

9. Get a blowjob

8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the meat"

7. Pee standing up

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently

5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm

4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement

Top 10 Reasons Why it Sucks to be a Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a Dick:

Top 10 Signs You Have a Hangover

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. You've got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with two nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

1. Cats' facial expressions.

2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

4. Fat clothes.

5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

8. Eyelash curlers.

10 Reasons Not to Live in Connecticut

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that you either live close to New York or Boston

9) Having to live next to New York

8) The two most famous people to come out of Connecticut were a con man who ran a freak show and a man who was the primary cause of the Civil War

7) Because you have no point in being there other than during the fall

6) You can either be a pansy and support the Yankees or a masochist and support the Red Sox

5) You get to be associated primarily with New York and New Jersey

4) You get to hear New Yorkers compliment you for the peace and quiet

3) People from other states think you have a ten foot pole shoved up your ass

2) People from other states are usually right

10 Ways To Tell You're From New Hampshire

10) You married your cousin's brother's wife

9) Your only belief is “Live Free or Die.”

8) You think Massachusetts should be Taxachusetts (when you are actually paying more).

7) You walk around with cow dung on your shoe.

6) You're depressed because Massachusetts laughs constantly at your state.

5) Your music involves knee slapping, spoon smacking and banjo playing.

4) You travel all the way to Connecticut to gamble.

3) Your barn is bigger than your house

2) You walk around with a “Dumb IQ” card (you actually do).

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

The Worlds Ten Shortest Books

1) Human Rights Advances in China

2) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

3) "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

4) Al Gore: The Wild Years

5) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

6) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

7) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

8) Everything Men Know About Women

9) "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

Top Ten: Questions that Make You Go, "Huh?"

1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?

3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Top Ten Woman Bashing Lines

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

Top Ten Signs You're Burned Out

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.

Top 10 Signs you are a loser

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.

2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."

3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.

4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.

5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."

6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."

7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"

8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.

9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do

10) Your mom.

9) Piss in the wind.

8) Spit straight up.

7) "No, officer, we haven't been drinking..."

6) Swallow.

5) Drop the soap.

4) Eat it if it smells.

3) Get drunk at a gay bar.

2) Play leapfrog with a unicorn.