my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Top 10 Lists (Page 7)

This topic comprises 8 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8

Author Topic: Top 10 Lists Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-07-2004 08:40 PM                        Rated G Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks 10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard." 9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep. 8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it downwith a hushed, I can't talk now...I'll call you later." 7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it. 6. She reads books like "Women are from Venus, Men are complete assholes." 5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it. 4. When you call her, sheanswers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you." 3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank. 2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program. 1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:51 AM                        Rated G TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WON'T BE ELECTED PRESIDENT 10. Your running mate is you, with a wig and glasses. 9. Your cellmate won't even support you. 8. You've somehow developed a reputation as "the candidate that's always drooling." 7. Your presidential debate was with a mannequin. 6. You've been on Jerry Springer...Cross-dressed. 5. Vegas bookmakers are giving better odds that Ted Kennedy will become a Republican. 4. You're called a "frightening extremist" by Rush Limbaugh. 3. Your biggest campaign pledge is washing your socks regularly. At least weekly. 2. Your campaign headquarters doubles as your Mom's sewing room. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU WON'T BE ELECTED PRESIDENT? 1. The voters keep asking you for a refill on their Big Gulp.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2004 05:44 PM                        Rated PG Top Ten Signs Your Parents Were Hippies in the 1960s 10. You were baptized with bong water. 9. You find out you have 37 half sibings. 8. They don't trust anyone over 62. 7. When reminiscing about your birth, mom rates epidural as "weak, man". 6. Their idea of a drug talk is to tell you "If you're going to do pot, smoke it! Brownies are a waste of good pot!" 5. They only time they showed up at grade school was when my 4th grade class was tie-dying t-shirts. 4. No line is long enough to fill in your whole name: Sunshine Rainbow Butterfly Stardust Mary Jane Joplin Smith. 3. Your parents had your baby earth shoes bronzed. 2. The moment of your conception is featured in the movie of Woodstock. 1. All the house plants have funny looking leaves.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2004 05:47 PM                        Rated R Michele The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love 12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek! 11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must. 10. Feel the force! 9. Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things. 8. Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must! 7. Do me or do me not - there is no try. 6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must! 5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass. 4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does. 3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm? 2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are! 1. Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2005 09:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . . 10.The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it. 9.When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes. 8.You have to pedal it. 7.The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!" 6.The only chip inside is a Dorito. 5.When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling. 4.You catch a virus from it. 3.Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Frankie?" 2.While running, it emits deafening calliope music. 1.It cyber-snickers at you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated PG "Top Ten Laser Pointer Guy Excuses" 10. Wanted to give pilots complimentary laser eye surgery. 9. Was trying to get the attention of the hot babe in seat 3-A. 8. Wanted to be famous for next high school reunion. 7. Still distraught over the cancellation of NBC's "LAX." 6. Always wanted to be mentioned in lame Top Ten list. 5. "Why should the safety of human lives outweigh the joy I get from seeing a tiny green dot in the sky?" 4. "You need a laser to open those darn airline peanuts, am I right, America?!" 3. "No, no. I was just testing you guys. Nice work, everybody!" 2. Didn't want to go all the way to the airport so tried to hail a 747. 1. Life's goal: to see my name in paper after the words 'local jackass.' --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:50 PM                        Rated G : Lulu When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read "Hole in One Golf Supplies." Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads "Hole for One Mortuary Supplies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2005 12:50 PM                        Rated G Top Moron's 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!". 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 12:42 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs..... 10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock." 9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?" 8. "Cumin here often?" 7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?" 6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?" 5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?" 4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!" 3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy." 2. "Get the buttah." And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs... 1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 09:51 PM                        Rated G Chris Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 9. Today is our what? 8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother. 4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:47 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Top 10 Reasons I Love Horses" 10.Wanted to be Roy Rogers. 9. Get to wear cowboy boots. 8. Don't shed in the house. 7. Free fertilizer for the garden. 6. Get to sit up high. 5. Cool hats. 4. Park anywhere. 3. Brag about saddle sores. 2. A suger cube and a carrot make them happy. 1. Don't have to change the oil.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2005 07:11 PM                        Rated G TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR IS ADDICTED TO COURT TV 10. The deacons are required to wear Bailiff uniforms. 9. Quotes from the book of Judge Judy. 8. Every time he hears an 'Amen', he bangs the gavel and says, "You're out of order!" 7. At the end of the benediction says "... in His name, we're adjourned." 6. Choir limited to 12 members and are now referred to as "the jurors." 5. All hearts and minds don't necessarily have to be cleared before approaching the bench (the altar). 4. He has the head deacon say "All Rise" when he enters the sanctuary. 3. His sermons are no longer taped but rather typed by a stenographer. 2. Uses a gavel to let folks know when their testimonies are too long. 1. Instead of extending an invitation at the close of the service, he asks for closing arguments.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2005 07:12 PM                        Rated G The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2005 07:14 PM                        Rated G Top 10 Reasons For Being Fired From Toys R Us 10. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 9. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display. 8. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 7. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 6. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 5. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 4. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 3. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jack-knifed a Big Wheel. 2. Caught hocking phlegm into tikes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." ...and the Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us... 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid... I'm on break." [ 06-27-2005, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G Top 10 Worst Things to Hear at the Tattoo Parlor 10. "EAGLE? I thought you said BEAGLE." 9. "We're all out of red, so I used pink." 8. "There are two o's in Bob, right?" 7. "Sorry sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy." 6. "That call was for you.... Hope you meet somebody else named Tahiti Sweetie." 5. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups." 4. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." 3. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before." 2. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect." 1. "OOPS."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 8 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.