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Author Topic: Top 10 Lists Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated G * Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Department Store by David Letterman 10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?" 9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts" 8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia" 7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis" 6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch" 5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?" 4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator" 3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs" 2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?" 1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The Top 10 Country & Western Horror Movies 10. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 'n' Barbecue 9. The Shania-ing 8. Chaws 7. Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart 6. Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo 5. Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer 4. The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon 3. Little Bait Shop of Horrors 2. Mama, Don't Let Rosemary's Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys and the Number 1 Country & Western Horror Movie... 1. Silence of the Beans  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 05:41 PM                        Rated PG Steve in OKC Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "job burnout" 10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell." 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box. 7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday 4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now. [ 07-09-2003, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The top ten reasons men should join the church choir. 10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from non- stop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse. 9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly. 8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?" 7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400 500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen. 6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks. 5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronics equip- ment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget. 4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging. 3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us guys and staying on pitch. 2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a pro- fessional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. This is especially true if you are a long-suffering fan of the Bengals or Colts. And the number 1 reason men should join the choir: 1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself,you can say with the utmost sincerity,"Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 09:37 AM                        Rated PG Top 10 Elf Pick-Up Lines 1. "I'm down here." 2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy. 3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them? 4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list. 5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys. 6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear? 7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler. 8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man. 9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig. 10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated PG Michele Top Ten Signs That The Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before 10. After taking money, asks if you want a receipt. 9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles. 8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick. 7. When he's done he says, "That was fun, now you mug me". 6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles. 5. When you yell "stop thief". . . he does. 4. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts, "remember me?" 3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if Seinfeld hadn't been canceled. 2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla". 1. Accepts IOU's...and phone cards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 03:39 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Top 10 Police Comeback Lines 1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal. 2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary! 3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous,so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket. 4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours. 5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive? 6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation. 7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun. 8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION. 9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying. 10. HAVE A NICE DAY.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G Michele TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR STEPHEN KING NOVELS 10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age" 9. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back" 8. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon" 7. "Vacuumstarter" 6. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office" 5. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee -- He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?" 4. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover" 3. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's" 2. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons" 1. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 09:14 AM                        Rated G TOP 10 CAT PROVERBS 10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to. 9. The world is your litter box. 8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with a nap. 7. Look before you lick. 6. Pride goeth before ...........you've got to be kidding me! 5. You scratch my back. 4. Strike while the feet are bare. 3. When in doubt, wash. 2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail. 1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when they least expect it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:44 PM                        Rated PG Uncle Bubba Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women #10 You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's. #9 You can keep one handgun on the road and another at home. #8 If you admire a man's handgun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times. #7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a back-up. #6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo. #5 A handgun doesn't take up alot of closet space. #4 Handguns function normally everyday of the month. #3 A handgun doesn't ask... 'Do these new grips make me look fat?' #2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. #1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 12:52 PM                        Rated G Michele Top 10 New Martha Stewart Products 10. File in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe 9. Scented soap-on-a-rope 8. Magazine article : How to Eat Salad With Only a Spoon 7. Book: 101 Uses for Leftover Contraband 6. New "slimming" vertical-stripe collection 5. Book: Trading Cigarettes for Fun and Profit 4. Decorative license plates 3. TV show: Quick Decorating Ideas to Do During Lockdown 2. Book: Conquering Adversity--How I Became Warden 1. Cybill Shepherd dartboard  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 07:58 AM                        Rated PG :)Michele Talking dirty at the gym? 10. You shouldn't pump it so fast. You won't get the full benefit. 9. PUSH! PUSH! ONE MORE GOOD ONE! 8. Put your back into it! Break a sweat! Harder! 7. Slow down. You're not breathing correctly. 6. You call THAT a snatch? 5. Should I ease up a bit? 4. Take a short rest between sessions. 3. Don't stop in the middle! 2. Slow and easy! and the number one... 1. I can't get it up by myself; you'll have to help me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 02:51 PM                        Rated G ** Top Ten Signs it's Monday ** 10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least that is what you are thinking. 9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology to the nation. 8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying "I hate Monday!" 7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest. 6. In your current opinion five days is a long time. 5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work. 4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio. 3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid actually doing work until Friday. 2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations around the living room. 1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving a beautiful, sunny day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 02:30 PM                        Rated G Ten Signs of a Frustrated Mother 1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner. 2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question. 3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time. 4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!" 5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink. 6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time. 7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you. 8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children. 9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an Angel" is just coming on. 10. You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 01:12 PM                        Rated G Top Ten Things To Consider Before Buying A Hairpiece 10. Will I be able to handle all the women? 9. Am I easily offended by smart-ass teenagers? 8. Should I wait for the after-Christmas hairpiece sales? 7. Will it appreciate in value? 6. What hairpiece would Jesus wear? 5. Have I explored all my combover options? 4. Am I hairpiece material? 3. Should I spend the extra 20 bucks for the sideburns? 2. Is it possible a hairpiece will make me look too good? 1. I sure as hell don't want the kind Letterman wears.  |  IP: Logged

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