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Topic: Top 10 Lists

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-09-2002 09:21 AM

Rated G

TOP 10 THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Why discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-21-2002 08:11 PM

Rated G

Alex

Murphy's Top 10 Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you
meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand
your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your
mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found
to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2002 09:49 AM

Rated G

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 10-24-2002 09:52 AM

Rated R

P 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-26-2002 09:52 AM

Rated G

~ Top Ten Thanksgiving Turkey Pickup Lines ~

10. "Are those breasts real?"

9. "Wanna go back to my place and get sauced?"

8. "Have you lost weight or did they just start carving you
already?"

7. "Fancy a pluck?"

6. "I did my share of flocking around when I was younger, but now
it's time to settle down, not lose my head, and find a hen who
wants me for more than my pecker."

5. "It takes me four and a half hours to really get cookin."

4. "Aren't you tired of being cooped up here?"

3. "Hey baby, wanna help me get the juice out of my baster?"

2. "PLEEEAAASSSEEE!! I'm honestly gonna die Thursday!"

1. "Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-12-2002 12:16 PM

Rated G Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs:

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-16-2002 08:49 AM

Rated G

Top Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q- Tips"

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney

6. Spelled out in Legos® on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!"

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Cindy Crawford

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 12-21-2002 09:11 AM

Rated R Lorraine

TOP TEN ELF PICK-UP LINES

1. "I'm down here"

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a
sissy.

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'N Sync. Want to meet them?

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on
toys.

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra
disappear?

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler.

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 01-10-2003 10:56 AM

G

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.) [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 01-11-2003 08:27 PM

Rated G ..............

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 01-15-2003 07:49 AM

Rated G

Cheap HMO's

Ten Top Indicators that your Employer has changed to a cheaper HMO:

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "An apple a day."

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network-charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little M's on them.

And the number 1 sign you've joined a cheap HMO:

1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 01-21-2003 11:39 AM

Rated G

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent
when you go to settlement on your new home.

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any
home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps
the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels,
but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50
feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're
not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it
would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not
in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice
sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was
never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 01-21-2003 12:00 PM

Rated G

Top 10 Questions Most Often Asked At A 99¢ Store

10. "How much is this?"
9. "Is this necklace real gold?"
8. "Do these Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweatshirts come in medium?"
7. "So let me get this straight -- everything here is 99¢?"
6. "How much is this?"
5. "Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?"
4. "How much is this 'Best of Ray Stevens' CD?"
3. "Didn't this used to be a White Castle?"
2. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
1. "Can someone go to the bank and get more pennies?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 02-08-2003 08:28 PM

Rated PG Sue Bee

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'Kiss' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh!'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: 'Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for 'driving under the influence of
cottage cheese.'

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 02-17-2003 02:25 PM

Rated G

Top Ten Things To Consider Before Buying A Hairpiece

10. Will I be able to handle all the women?
9. Am I easily offended by smart-ass teenagers?
8. Should I wait for the after-Christmas hairpiece sales?
7. Will it appreciate in value?
6. What hairpiece would Elvis wear?
5. Have I explored all my combover options?
4. Am I hairpiece material?
3. Should I spend the extra 20 bucks for the sideburns?
2. Is it possible a hairpiece will make me look too good?
1. I sure as hell don't want the kind Letterman wears. [Big Grin]

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