Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

Cats' facial expressions.

The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

Fat clothes.

Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.

Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

Eyelash curlers.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

Other women.

Ten Signs You Have a Hangover

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"

All day long your motto is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

Top Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed

10. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.

9. Thinks the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.

8. Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the nightlife!" T-shirt.

7. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.

6 Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and homebrew.

5 She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.

4. Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."

3. Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.

2. Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer

10. You have to pedal it.

9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.

8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"

6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.

4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.

3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.

2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.

And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...

Top 10 Redneck Computer Tech

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots hace Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Bubba.

4. There's a gunrack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on your computer is..

10. In his garage are a 1997 Mazda Protege and a camel.

9. His last name is Schmidt -- the mailbox reads "Schmidt/Omar."

8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night vision.

7. Has bumper sticker "Al Qaeda members do it in caves."

6. The place reeks of goat.

5. Comes over and asks to borrow a cup of sand.

4. Driveway sign reads "Don't even think about parking here" in Pashtu.

3. Claims the bearded, turbaned guy you saw is a Swedish exchange student.

2. He declared a Jihad against crabgrass.

1. His kitty is wearing a burqa

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AT THE OFFICE AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

Rated G

Top Ten Signs You Are Fat

10. You order a Godfather's Pizza Family Deal and split it with all your friends--and you have no friends.

9. You have no friends because you ate all of your friends.

8. Oprah Winfrey confronts you about how you stay consistent.

7. You are in the crowd by the Today show window. Al Roker sees you for the first time--and he has a heart attack and dies.

6. You can simultaneously outeat John Madden while beating a champion sumo wrestler.

5. No matter how much you suck in your stomach, you still make John Madden look thin.

4. The American Heart Association wants to talk to you. Right now.

3. "Hey, everyone! It's Jiminy Glick!"

2. At the Macy's Parade you are mistaken for a balloon, you are tied to strings, and you crush three people to death when they try to get you airborne.

TOP 10 COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

4. I've Got Tears In My Ears from lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You

5. Momma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Poppa's Head)

6. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's From Me.

8. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure Were Even.

TOP REASONS TO HAVE SEX

1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restrict blood vessels in the brain.

Top 10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer...

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

Top Ten Lines From Internet Chat Rooms

1 You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before.

2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself.

3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited

4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

6 Yes of course I'm female...............

7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

8 No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more than one?

9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

..and the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...

TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED:
By David Letterman ....

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped .....

"The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn"

10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?