Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.

Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.

At Mississippi State University, they've found another use for sheep.

Rated G

Do you know what the three degrees stand for in college?

• B.S. means "Bullshit."

• M.S. means "More Shit."

One day there were four people absent from class.

The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills.

The teacher said okay.

Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you?

He replied on top of Beverly Hills.

The teacher said okay.

The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills.

And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you.

And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, they are funny!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

There was a young country boy who was very bright.

In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.

One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was.

He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"

The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."

During one of a professer's routine classes, he decided to raise a controversial subject:

He stood in front of his class and said: "Can anyone hear God? Can anyone see God? Can anyone smell God?" After a long pause, the professor concluded: "Because none of you can hear, see, or smell God, I conclude that there is no God."

Not to be outdone, one particularly potent student stood up. "May I address the class directly?" he asked.

"Yes, you may," the professor replied.

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest.

Here's what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Sarah handed in her report which was neatly typed in double spaced 12 font.

The next week, Ms. Tea the teacher told another girl, Rebecca to hand out the reports that were graded.Everyone got theres back except Sarah. "Oh no, she thought, I hope she didn't lose it, I worked so hard on it!"

So Sarah wentup to Ms. Tea and asked where her report was. Ms Tea said, "Oh, I liked it and all, but on the back of it, it said, Ms. Tea loves making out with an elephant!"

Sarah said, " it must have been my brother Henry, he always messes around with my stuff! Last night, he must of wrote that horrible sentence while I was taking a shower!

Ms. Tea said, " Oh, then i feel bad for you Sarah, here, I loved this report, I give you an A+! Oh and here is a lollipop for the wonderful job!

The next day, another report was due, and it was an oral report this time. It was Sarah's turn up, and she wrote about George Washington. "George Washington as you all know, was our first president, and I found out that he never was a liar, unlike Ms. Tea, who always lies. Yes, she says she does classroom work at lunchtime, but really, she goes into the janitor closet with a guy and...

"Can You please come up here please Sarah at once!" Ms. Tea was furious.

" Do you know what you just read?" she asked. Sarah said, " No, I was just reading my paper, I wasn't paying anyattention to what I was reading! But I just noticed, and you know what? I think it was Henry again, last night, while brushing my teeth, he probably changed it! AGAIN!

He is always trying to get me into trouble, ALWAYS! The last week, he put toothpaste in my pants in my drawer, then mom found out, and punished me because she thought I wasted toothpaste, and I had to use the toothpaste out of my pants to brush my teeth from then on till now!"

Ms. Tea them suddenly changed her expression, and said, " Oh I really feel soooo bad for you, heres another A+ and a lollipop! Good job!"

That night, Ms.Tea phoned Sarah's mother and said " Hello, this is Ms. Tea, Sarah's teacher."

Sarah's mother said " Oh what has she done now?"

Ms tea said, " Oh nothing, nothing at all, its just that I think you should watch over Henry, sometimes Henry does things to get Sarah into trouble, and...

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO?

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you?

Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Having just finished reading a story to my fourth grade class, I decided to check the students' knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used."Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?"

I asked.Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.After a few more silent moments,

I decided to give them a hint, "Adolescent: it's something all of you are, and I am not."

New York kid reciting the alphabet:

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.

Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"