The third grade teacher was conducting a class in taming wildlife.

"Does anyone know how to catch a squirrel?" she asked.

FOR THOSE WITH KIDS IN SCHOOL..

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work, Press 2

To complain about what we do, Press 3.

To cuss out staff members, Press 4.

To ask why you did not get needed information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.

To complain about school lunches, Press 0.

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.

One child wrote the following:"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they only jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds".

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked hard all his life to earn his retardment, and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

Notes to God

A class was asked to write notes to God.

Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God:

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new
shoes.

Dear God:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all
of them.

Dear God:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?

Dear God:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Dear God:

Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:

Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:

Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God:

You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God:

I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God:

I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

"So, what did everyone get up to during the weekend?" Miss White asked her class.

"Miss I found a dead cat in my garden," said Joe.

"Oh, how terrible," she replied.

"And I wanted to make sure it was dead so I pissed in it's ear."

"Pardon?" the teacher asked, shocked at what Joe had said.

A kid called up his Mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie, Mom will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets , Dad asks, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"

Mom said "Oh, I wrote two checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000."

That's $1,020!!!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???"

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.
"Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher.

Rated G

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer.

A little boy walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, he made his daily trek to the elementary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little boy felt concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little boy walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little boy would look up at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to him, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered, "I'm trying to look nice. God keeps taking my picture."

****************May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance
with a child."

Nina and Rosey went to a lecture on positive thinking.

After the lecture was done, Nina said to Rosey, "You know, I learned a lot from this. From now on, I am going to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. From now on, I am going to use the word IS instead of the word NOT."

"You're right Nina. I am going to quit making negative statements too. I am going to speak positively from now on as well!" Rosey said.

"Really Rosey, like what?", asked Nina.

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.

"There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.

First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.

"Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation.