What a teacher says and what he really means

1.Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.

--He was caught cheating on a test.

2.Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.

--The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3.Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending
fact with fiction.

--He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4.Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.

--The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5.Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.

--The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6.Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.

--Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7.Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public
discussions.

--Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an
assignment she creates a class argument.

8.John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.

--He's a bully.

9.An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.

--Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10.I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful
personality.

--She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.

--He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12.I firmly belive that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning
environment.

--Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must redo 8th grade.

13.Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!

--A mouth that never stops yacking.

At a recent management class, a member of the class mentioned he had two children.

The facilitator asked "How old are they?"

"Eleven and nine."

The facilitator asked, "Two boys? Two girls?"

He replied, "One of each."

"Which one is younger?", asked the facilitator.

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began."Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

One of the many fun activities brought to us by the University of
Missouri Kansas City activities and programs council. . .Hot Tub
Day!

Advertised to be a welcome break for the students during September (the slowest time of the year)The APC plans to order hot tubs to set outside on the lawn of the university center so that the students can use them between classes.

As usual, the U-news (The only publication in Kansas city in which
the penis enlargement and weight loss advertisements include more
factual information then the news pages.) gave a glowing report of
this endeavor. "Despite some minor set backs, the APC was able to
come through with another successful event for the students,
demonstrating good planning and creativity. The student body should
be grateful to be served by such an organization." ( In case you
are wondering, the staff of the U-news is mostly on the APC as
well.)

The Cold Truth: The hot tubs never showed up. Fortunately for the
APC, neither did the students. A spokes person for the APC claimed
that she had now idea why students wouldn't want to sit in hot tubs during the school day. When the students were asked, most commented,
"I didn't go to sit in the hot tubs because I don't usually wear a bathing suit to class."

Next on the APC's agenda:foam dance.***

MOTHER TO SON: Why does you geography exam have a big zero over
it?

SON TO MOTHER: It's not a zero, Mom. The teacher ran out of
stars, so she gave me a moon instead!!

It's Career Day at school and the teacher is having the students
stand up, state their parents' occupation, and then spell it.

Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."

"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"

Mike stands up. "My mom's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."

"Excellent. Bruce?"

Bruce gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H I . . . "

"Ummm, no, Bruce," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."

"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . "

"Tell you what, Bruce, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little Kevin, your turn."

"Ann," said the dance teacher. "There are two things stopping you
becoming the world's greatest ballerina."

"What are they, ma'am?" asked Ann.

"Your feet."

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

Where's your pencil, Jim?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.

"I ain't got one, Sir."

"You're in England now, Jim. Not ain't, haven't.

I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."

"That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Lorraine

The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his
new bicycle in the school yard.

"Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared.

"Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder.

"It's the bell I can't work yet.

My daughter sitting in class one day where they were discussing
sex education. The question can you get pregnant from oral sex was asked by the teacher.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

Teacher :This essay is word for word the same as your brother's on
your pet cat!

Mark : It's the same cat, miss.