It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1A."

She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?"Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher.""Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple."Very good," says the teacher, "thank you."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher."The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?"Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange."Very good, Bobby, thank you."

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?"

Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?"

Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?"

When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.

Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"

Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"

Silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

Have you ever wondered what's the real meaning of the A,B,C,D, F grading system?

A= I'm Awesome

B= This is Bullshit

C= Oh Come on

D= I'm such a Duh

F= I'm F*cked

"ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES"

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family

Politically correct terms for students:

*The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

*No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

*You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed. "

*These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

*Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

*Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of- notebook experience."

*You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

*You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

*You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

*You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip tothe administrative building."

Back in the good old days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink. Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there." They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

A woman teacher asked a zoo keeperduring a zoo visit with her 4th grade class,"What is the difference between the NorthAmerican porcupine and the African porcupine ?"

"The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied,"is that the North American species has a longer prick."

The teacher fled in distress and anger to theAdministration Building where the ChiefCurator attempted to mollify her.

During our skydiving class, our instructor would always take time to answer any of our questions.

One guy asked, "If our main chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that the Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many guys at these parties that she'd date.

"Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G. P. A.?"

A FRIEND.....

A ccepts you as you are

B elieves in "you"

C alls you just to say "Hi"

D oesn't give up on you

E nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)

F orgives your mistakes

G ives unconditionally

H elps you

I nvites you over

J ust "be" with you

K eeps you close at heart

L oves you for who you are

M akes a difference in your life

N ever Judges

O ffers support

P icks you up

Q uiets your fears

R aises your spirits

S ays nice things about you

T ells you the truth when you need to hear it

U nderstands you

V alues you

W alks beside you

X -plains things you don't understand

Y ells when you won't listen &

Z aps you back to reality

These are the ABC's of Friendship!

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."

The professor said, "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."

The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly.

Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very
specific question concerning the driver's presentation.

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occured. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.