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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:20 PM                        Rated G As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the inspector. At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could. The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:13 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A principal who was expecting a visit from the superintendent had to make a quick call,so she left a student by her office door to watch for him. When he arrived, the student said, "You must be in big trouble! I'm supposed to bring you straight into the office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 04:25 PM                        Rated G Miss Hardy had been telling a 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. She concluded enthusiastically, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago." "Gosh!" exclaimed Billie, "What a memory you have!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:46 AM                        Rated G Lorraine For a Spanish assignment, we had to read a Spanish novel, write a report about the book and present it orally. In class, our teacher chose one of my classmates,notorious for not doing assignments,to answer questions about characters, places and descriptions. He had her convinced he had read all 400 pages of the novel until he blew it -- by summing up his presentation with "...and that's how the movie ended."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:47 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The door of the science office at my high school opens outward, and a number of students have been whacked by it. To prevent any more mishaps, one of the teachers stuck a warning on the door advising people not to stand too close. One day I was pushing a cart into the hall and opened the door extra wide. To my horror the door struck a student standing outside. After determining that she was all right, I asked why she was behind the door even though the warning was there. "I was reading it," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When a teachers’ strike ended and we returned to school,we discovered that our vice principal,anxious to keep the school in good order,had diligently watered the plants throughout the building. "Even the hanging plants in the library?" my colleague asked him. "Yes," he replied,pleased with his thoroughness. The hanging plants are made of silk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 08:29 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont. CA you've got to love this little girl A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:55 AM                        Rated G Michele This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra: Teacher: Who can tell me what animal this is? Johnny: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra. Teacher:: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant. Teacher: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? Jane: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant? Teacher: Very good, Jane. They come to the baboon cage. Teacher: who can tell me what animal this is? No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly. Teacher: OK. Billy, would you like to try? Billy: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a truck driver.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-05-2005 06:12 PM                        Rated PG Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of mothers milk. The correct answer will be worth 70 points or none at all." One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote: 1. It is a perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always available as needed. 4. It is always at the right temperature. 5. It is inexpensive. 6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7. It comes in such cute containers. He got an "A."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2005 12:01 PM                        Rated G Michele During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2005 12:03 PM                        Rated PG Michele OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABIES A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea" Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6) My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G Michele The U.S. Department of Education has a new slogan: Our students may be behind the rest of the world, but they're on top of their teachers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2005 03:11 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA Moms - as Kids see them.These are apparently answers from Elementary school kids . Why Did God make Mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How Did God Make Mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom just the same like he made me.He just used bigger parts. What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of ? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones.Then they mostly use string I think. Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff... 2. I don't know because I wasn't there,but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad ? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's The Boss At Your House? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss,but she has to because dad's such a goofball. 2. Mom.You can tell by room inspection.She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is,but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's The Difference Between Moms And Dads? 1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger,but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it,she pays bills all day long. What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet.You know,her hair.I'd diet,maybe blue. If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter.Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:04 AM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi -----A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.He spends years with them, teaching English, Reading,Writing,Math and Science. One day the wife of the chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the Chief pulls the professor aside and says,"You are the only white man we have ever seen. My woman gave birth to a white child.It does not take a witch doctor to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken.What we have here is a natural occurrence...a child who the civilized world calls an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white,except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, than said, "Tell you what. You do not say more about the sheep - and I will not say more about the baby."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:22 AM                        Rated G Michele When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races." Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. "So what do you do?" she asked. Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."  |  IP: Logged

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