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Author
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Topic: Education
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2004 08:27 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world,and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.Then they mostly use string.I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there,but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss,but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom.You can tell by room inspection.She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect,but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes.But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect.Outside,I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 09:15 AM
Rated PG Michele
Signs You're in the Wrong Karate School
A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says,"Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."
All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling
trophies.
Due to a misspelling of "Martial Arts" on the door,half the class shows up with vibrators and lotions.
Other students show up with sketchbooks.
Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful
suspenders and co-ordinating ascots.
Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can
see",you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.
The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps French fry baskets.
As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor
says "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."
You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbating
and throwing feces at your attacker.
You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.
Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your
lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.
At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 02:35 PM
Rated G Michele
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You
want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their
every waking moment with a love for learning?
I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction,
and raise their self esteem?
You want me to teach them patriotism,good citizenship,
sportsmanship,fair play,how to register to vote,how to balance a checkbook,and how to apply for a job? I am to check their heads for lice,maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of anti-social behavior,offer advice,write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships,encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others,and oh make sure that I give the girls in my class 50% of my attention?
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school,
evenings and weekends grading papers. Also,I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree?
And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty
meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development
training?
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful ofauthority. You want me to incorporate technology into the learningexperience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student? That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, eventhose who don't come to school regularly or complete any of theirassignments.Plus,I am to make sure that all of the students withhandicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap?
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me......
NOT TO PRAY?!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-05-2004 09:56 PM
Rated G
Science Sillies From 5th & 6th Graders
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top,and you sit on the bottom.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in
other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like
umbrellas.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are
orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,why you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop,it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the
Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting
hit.If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-15-2004 09:02 AM
Rated PG Donna in Phoenix
Catholic Elementary School Test
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious!It comes from a Catholic Elementary school test.Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments.The following statements about the Bible were written by children.They have not been retouched nor corrected.(i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of
creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
IN GOD WE TRUST!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-15-2004 10:21 AM
Rated G
KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day,
same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree,but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to...my mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-08-2004 02:15 PM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Hank in Simi Valley
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night.Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment then I go back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-14-2004 09:55 AM
Rated R
Mrs. Rooney's 3rd-Grade Astronomy Lesson
When little 3rd-grader Jason was asked about outer space in the astronomy study section in their science book and what he knew about the subject, he became very animated and said his "mom and dad talked about it last night!"
The teacher was so excited and asked Jason, "Would you like to come up and tell the class about it?" Jason was so happy, he almost ran up front.
"Last night, dad and mom were laughing like crazy. He said to mom, remember when we were dating, we were kind of wild and I loved to see you Moon? Mom then said, wasn't it as big as Jupiter? Dad then laughed and said you Saturn it a lot, but when he got into dark space, he said he was able to see Uranus. I remember dad's story about the broken thermometer when mom was small and they had to get Mercury out of there. Mrs. Rooney, isn't Mercury very big? How can it fit in there?" And, now, getting really excited, Jason continued. "When mom and dad were on a honeymoon, they went swimming and dad went under water and searched a lot and found Venus. Why was Venus under water? Then dad said, I'll bet we find a Sun in there someday. Isn't the Sun hot?
Mrs. Rooney...I thought the universe was big. How come all these places are on Earth? Daddy wouldn't say why, but always said he wanted peace on Earth."
Whereupon, Mrs. Rooney quickly changed the subject..."Jason, we will answer those very good questions another time. Class...now let's turn to the section on page 44 that's called, Biology."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-09-2004 05:05 AM
Rated R
Maurice comes home one day to find his wife Hannah, an English teacher,in bed with his best friend.
"Darling," Maurice cries,"how could you? After all the years we've been together,I come home from work to find you like this. I am surprised."
"No, no, my dear," says Hannah,"you are amazed.I am surprised."
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