|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Education
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-05-2004 11:50 AM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Name the elements,Billy," instructed the teacher.
"There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire
and...er... water... and---oh, yes---screwing."
The teacher gasped, then recovered herself."That filthy thing you named,what ever made you include it?"
"I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy,
"that when my dad gets to screwing,he's really in his element."
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-06-2004 06:35 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
One day during cooking class, the teacher,Mrs. Jones,was
extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said,"Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce,I contemplated the physics behind the
mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.I approached Mrs. Jones to test my
theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-20-2004 11:04 AM
Rated G Lorraine
HIGH SCHOOL VS. COLLEGE:
In high school,you do homework.In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food
must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school,you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in
college,on both.
In college,there are no bells or tardy slips.
In high school,you have to live with your parents.In college,
you get to live with your friends.
In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be
cool.
In high school,you're told what classes to take.In college, you
get to choose;that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and
you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and
you've paid your tuition.
In high school,if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your
way out of it.In college,you're lucky to ever talk with the
professor.
In high school,fire drills are planned by the administration; in college,by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars
close.
In high school,when the teacher said,"Good morning," you mumbled
back.In college,when the professor says, "Good morning," you
write it down.
In high school,freshman guys hit on senior girls.In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.
In college,weekends start on Thursday.
In college,it's much more difficult to figure out the course
schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on,in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
Once you've obtained the information described in the statement
above,it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to
that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
In college,there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three
meals a day.
In college,your dad doesn't pay for dates.
In high school,it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom
and Dad.
In college,when you miss a class (or two or three),you don't
need a note from your parents saying you were skip... uh, sick
that day.
In high school,you can't go out to lunch because it's not
allowed.In college,you can't go out to lunch because you can't
afford it.
In college,you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-28-2004 08:56 AM
Rated G
Science and Health Test Answers
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-04-2004 08:10 PM
Rated G
Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best in humor is in the misspelling....
1.. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert.The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2.. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread,which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.He died before he ever reached Canada.
3..Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4.. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people,and without them we wouldn’t have history.The Greeks also had myths.A myth is a female moth.
5.. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6.. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races,jumped hurled biscuits,and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be king. Dying, he gasped out “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8.. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9.. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen,” As a queen she was a success.When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted,“Hurrah!”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented removable type and the Bible.Another important invention was the circulation of blood.Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote “Donkey Hote.” The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.”Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson,a Virgin and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared,“A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14.. Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by on of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
15.. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16.. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17.. The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions.People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper,which did the work of hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of the Species.” Madman Curie discovered the radio.And Karl Marx became the first of the Marx Brothers.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Phil Hill
I love my cootie bug
Posts: 7595
From: Hollywood, CA USA
Registered: Mar 2000
|
posted 02-04-2004 09:45 PM
Rated: G
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
>>> Phil
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic