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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated G B.B. The Teacher After being interviewed by the school administration,the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids,and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. "You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,sportsmanship,fair play,how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook,and how to apply for a job. "I am to check their heads for lice,maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior,offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others,and oh,make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. "My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers.Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. "I am to be a paragon of virtue,larger than life,such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. "You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience,monitor web sites,and relate personally with each student.That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. "I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.Plus,I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. "All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk,a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! "You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . . NOT TO PRAY?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G JerseyT Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A substitute teacher walks into the classroom.On the blackboard she sees a message.It says,"Jimmy Jacobs,has got the biggest tool,in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the back stands up and says,"I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy,your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in,she looks up at the blackboard and written on it,it says,"PAYS to ADVERTISE."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 07:02 AM                        Rated G Michele This year all the players on the Aggie football team made straight 'A's in the same semester. Next term they'll work on writing 'B's.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2003 10:06 AM                        Rated R Curiosity A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 02:45 PM                        Evening classes for men. Starting this month!! (Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.) 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. * Step by step with slide presentation. 2. Toilet paper: Do they grow on the holders? * Round table discussion. 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practicing with hamper. * Pictures and graphics. 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink or dishwasher? * Debate among panel of experts. 5. Loss of Virility: Losing the remote control to your significant other. * Help line and support groups. 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. * Open forum. 7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. * PowerPoint presentation. 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. * Real-life testimonials. 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? * Driving simulation. 10. Living with Adults: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. * Online class and role playing. 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. * Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. 12. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. * Bring your calendar or PDA to class. 13. Getting Over It. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. * Individual counselors available.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:43 PM                        Rated G Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:49 PM                        Rated G Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day.The Professor,on the first day of class,asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 02:21 PM                        Rated PG A Biology class in progress and a picture of a well built man (naked) is shown from a projector. Teacher: What do you learn from the picture ? Student: Madam,The most well built man on earth,hasn't the biggest penis.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 04:33 AM                        Rated G North America believes in education: The average professor earns more money in a year than the professional athlete earns in a whole week.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 11:23 AM                        Rated G Student: I don't think I deserved a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 11:26 AM                        Rated G Teacher: What's the nations capital? Pupil: Washington, DC Teacher: What's the DC stand for? Pupil: Dot Com  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. Dedicated to All the Teachers Going Back to Work (and Retired ones, too.) On the 6th day, God created men & women. On the 7th day, he rested. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher. This teacher though,taken from among men and women had several significant modifications.In general,God made the teacher more durable than other men and women. The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little monsters on a rainy Monday.And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation. Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom. And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience. Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just repeated for someone else. Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow. And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you. And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell... Hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping for deliverance. When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers. And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created "BAD WEATHER"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated G Michele In my English-as-a-second-language class,I explained the difference between a watch and a clock.I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body,it was called a clock.When it was worn on your body,it was called a watch. A few days later we had a power outage,and our classroom clocks had not been reset.I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time.Luis looked at his wrist,and then confidently announced,"It is exactly ten o'watch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:35 PM                        Rated G Michele An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again. "What WAS the matter? What HAS BEEN the matter? What MIGHT HAVE BEEN the matter?"  |  IP: Logged

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