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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 01:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A friend who teaches the first grade asked her class,"What do elks have that no other animals have?" Little Timmy answered, "Parades!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A visitor whose son was out scouting for a college to go to the next fall was impressed by a beautiful campus.The father turned to a professor who was showing them around and asked:"Just how many students have you here?" The professor mused a minute and answered,"Oh,I'd say about one in a hundred."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 03:27 AM                        Rated G Michele One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,from eight grade through college level.Read carefully,and you will learn a lot. --- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies,and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere,so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called calasiris.It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis,Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.One of their children,Cain,asked,"Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.Jacob, son of Isaac,stole his brother's birthmark.Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs,but they did not take to it.One of Jacob's sons,Joseph,gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Mosesled them to the Red Sea,where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.Afterwards,Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.He died before he ever reached Canada. Later,came Job,who had one trouble after another.Eventually,he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people,and without them we wouldn't have history.The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian,Doric and Ironic.They also had myths.A myth is a female moth.One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Iliad",by Homer.Homer also wrote the "Oddity",in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.Actually,Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.They killed him.Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death,his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic Games,Greeks ran races,jumped,hurled the biscuits,and threw the java.The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.There were no wars in Greece,as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually,the Romans conquered the Geeks.History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths.At Roman banquets,the guests wore garlics in their hair.They took two baths in two days,and that's the cause of the fall of Rome.Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today. Then came the Middle Ages,when everyone was middle aged.King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery,with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women.King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.And victims of the bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks.Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most people were alliterate.The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer,who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.During this time,people put on morality plays about ghosts,goblins,virgins,and other mythical creatures. Another story tells of William Tell,who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.He died a horrible death,being excommunicated by a bull.It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.Another important invention was the circulation of blood.Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery.From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born.He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops,they all shouted "hurrah."Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564,supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.He lived in Windsor with his merry wives,writing tragedies, comedies and errors,and hysterectomies,all in Islamic pentameter.In one of Shakespeare's famous plays,Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over everytime he sees his mother.In another play,Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown,and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote "Donkey Hote".The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began.Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.His ships were called the Nina,the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean,and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.When they landed at Plymouth Rock,they were greeted by Indians,who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.Many of the Indian heroes were killed,along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.Many people died and many babies were born.Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also,the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.During the War,the Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls.The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.Finally,the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.Thomas Jefferson,a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country.His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.Lincoln's mother died in infancy,and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.When Lincoln was President,he wore only a tall silk hat.He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation,and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,a supposedly insane actor.This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe,the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".Gravity was invented by Issac Walton.It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn,when the apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.In between,he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.He was very large.Bach died from 1750 to the present.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote loud music.He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state.The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution,and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.He wanted an heir to inherit his power,but since Josephine was a baroness,she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.Queen Victoria was the longest queen.She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper,which did the work of a hundred men.Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species".Madman Curie discovered radio.And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War,cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-18-2003 04:32 PM                        Rated PG Reverend Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he drops in on one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,that would be a tragedy. "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent.No other children volunteer. Rev.Jackson searches the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson,"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?" Sam: "I don’t know." Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark." Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 11:00 AM                        Rated G Diane in Vegas The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question Why did God make mothers? 1. - She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. - Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3. - Mostly to clean the house. 4. - To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. - He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. - Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. - God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. - We're related. 2. - God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me What ingredients are mothers made of? 1 - God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. - They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. - My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. - I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. - They say she used to be nice. How did your mom meet your dad? 1. - Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. - His last name. 2. - She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. - My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. - She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. - My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. What makes a real woman? 1. - It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy. Who's the boss at your house? 1. - Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. 2. - Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. - I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. - Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2. - Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. - Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. - Mothers don't do spare time. 2. - To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1. - About 30 years. 2. - You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them! Describe the world's greatest mom? 1. - She would make broccoli taste like ice cream! 2. - The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts! 3. - She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself. Is anything about your mom perfect? 1. - Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist. 2. - Her casserole recipes. But we hate them. 3. - Just her children What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. - On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. - Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. - She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-20-2003 04:52 PM                        Rated G A teacher asked a student to write "55". The student asked: "How?". Teacher: "Write 5 and beside it another 5!" The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: "What are you waiting for?" Student: "I don't know which side to write the other 5!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 05:28 AM                        Rated G During a phone conversation,my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university. "Oh, great," I said,"Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No,no," he replied."I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G Michele A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?" "Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that with a subject like economics the answers are different each year!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G :0 Teacher: Joe!! Didn't you hear me call you? Joe: Yes, ma'am, but you told us yesterday not to answer back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant,and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G Michele A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-27-2003 03:00 PM                        Rated G Michele A High School class in Florida consisted of a particularly well motivated group of juniors.Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that concerned them. One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all the talk about a woman's "biological clock." After I'd finished,there was a moment of silence,and then another hand shot up. "Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking,or has the alarm gone off?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES TO BEING HOME-SCHOOLED: 5. Get to watch TV during recess. 4. Get to wear jammies all day. 3. No banging chalk dust from erasers. 2. 'Teacher' constantly interrupted by telemarketers. And the number one advantage to being home schooled: 1. No toting heavy backpack all the way to school!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated G Lorraine What "PhD" Really Stands for... * Patiently hoping for a Degree * Piled higher and Deeper * Professorship? hah! Dream on! * Please hire. Desperate. * Physiologically Deficient * Pour him (or her) a Drink * Philosophically Disturbed * Probably headed for Divorce * Pathetically hopeless Dweeb * Probably heavily in Debt * Parents have Doubts * Professors had Doubts * Pheromone Deprived * Probably hard to Describe * Patiently headed Downhill... * Permanent head Damage * Pulsating heaving Disaster? * Pretty homely Dork * Potential heavy Drinker * Professional hamburger Dispenser * Post hole Digger * Professional hair Dresser * Progressive heart Doctor * Piano hauling Done * Pro at hurling Darts * Professional hugger of Dames * Private house Detective * Pizza hut Driver * Pretty heavily Depressed * Pretty heavy Diploma * Promised hell Down-the-road * Processed here, Dammit  |  IP: Logged

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