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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 05:38 AM                        Rated G College Rules On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 07:34 PM                        Rated R Charlie One of the women with whom I work,Donna,has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests.So together,Donna and her son go over the words for the test,both meaning and spelling of the words. A few weeks ago,her son brought home his test.He scored 97%, missing only one word.The word was "clock."Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" - only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L".Donna said there was no comment on the test,just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2003 09:16 AM                        Rated G A teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan.She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked,asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you support? I' m an Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?" "Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Bronco fan." You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then? Mary said" Then I would be a Raiders fan."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 07:15 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues Could you be a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"? 6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line? 7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice? 8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? 12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group? If you answered yes to 4 or more,it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching.And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. If you answered yes to 8 or more,well,maybe it's *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement. If you answered yes to all 12,forget it--you'll *always* be a teacher,retired or not!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 12:20 PM                        Rated G Catholic high school theology teacher R. Scott Jones, 44, was fired for passing out joke valentines to students reading, "I hate you, I wish you would die" (Phoenix, March).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:16 PM                        Rated G :)Sue Bee Mornin', my little Reunion, The other day I mentioned checking in with folks from my old high school. Lifetime Subscriber Brotha John said he read the story to a co-worker who had this story to tell: "I graduated from a private school that I didn't like much. Once I was outta there, I had no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive or future athletic events. "Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my current number and tracked me down. 'So, what have you been doing with yourself?' the perky alumnus asked. "I responded, 'Oh, not a lot. Just stealing cars and running moonshine.' "They've never called back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues One day in heaven,the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll.Walking down the road,He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying,my son?" The man said that he was blind and had neverseen a sunset.The Lord touched the man who could then see and was happy. As the Lord walked further,He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy. Farther down the road,the Lord met another man who was crying and asked,"Why are you crying,my son?" The man said, "Lord I work for the public school system." ... and the Lord sat down and cried with him!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-26-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G FIRST GRADE PROVERBS A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders ... 6-year-olds ...because the last one is a classic! 1. Better to be safe than..........punch a 5th grader. 2. Strike while the..........bug is close. 3. Its always darkest before..........Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of..........termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but..........how? 6. Don't bite the hand that..........looks dirty. 7. No news is..........impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a..........Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new..........math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust..........me. 12. The pen is mightier than the..........pigs. 13. An idle mind is..........the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's..........pollution. 15. Happy the bride who..........gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is..........not much. 17. Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as..........Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed..........get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way. And the favorite: 25. Better late than..........pregnant!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Esther was talking to her friend Sadie. "My son Sammy," said Esther proudly, "has first class degrees in psychology, economics and politics." "You must be proud of him," said Sadie. "Yes I am," replied Esther. "He can't get a job but at least he knows why."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 11:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R, " and all the other kids were,of course,teasing him about it.To help him out,the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In class a few days later,the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 12:26 PM                        Rated G On the last day of kindergarten,all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,"I bet I know what it is - it'ssome flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?",she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.":  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G Ed in Auirora A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now class, if I stood on my head,the blood, as you know, would run into it,and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2003 03:07 PM                        Rated G In a very exclusive private school near California's Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper-high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area. One little girl's paper began:"Once upon a time there was a poor family.The father was poor. The mother was poor.The children were poor.The nannies were poor.The pool man was poor.The personal trainer was poor.The gardeners were poor. This was a very poor family !  |  IP: Logged

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