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Author
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Topic: Education
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 07:34 PM
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif) ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
50 fun things for Professors to do on the first day of class
1.Wear a hood with one eye hole. periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2.After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3.After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4.wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5.Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6.Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask 'me', Winky Willy."
7.If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8.Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in you grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk."
9.Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
10.Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11.Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12.Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13.Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14.Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15.Start the lecture by dancing and lip-synching to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
16.Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17.Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18.Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19.Address students as "worm."
20.Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21.Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22.Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23.Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
24.Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25.Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26.Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27.Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28.Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29.Growl constantly and address students as "matey."
30.Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."
31.Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
32.Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33.Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34.Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."
35.Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36.Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37.Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38.Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at the bass while you lecture.
39.Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40.Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
41.Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk."
42.Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43.Pass out dental floss to students floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44.Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for you class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
45.Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a sign-up sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in you grade book.
46.Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47.Warn students that they should being a snack lunch to exams.
48.Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49.Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field."
50.Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2002 01:42 PM
Rated R
* SEMINARS FOR WOMEN *
Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status.Please note, the names of some of the courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory.
1. #101 You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep.
#102 It's Ok To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom.
2. Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary.
3. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right.
4. Combating Bitchiness, You Too Can Mellow Out.
5. Combating The Impulse To Nag
6. Female Bonding - Discuss Yeast Infections When Males Aren't Around.
7. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
8. Garbage - Taking It To The Curb Yourself.
9. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
10. Get A Life - Learn To Relax.
11. Helpful Postural Hints For Changing A Tire On The Car.
12. Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because Of The Passion I Feel
13. Honest, You Don't Look Like Paula Abdul - Especially When Naked.
14. How Not To Act Nastier Than Your Children.
15. How Not To Bark Orders During Sex.
16. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
17. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
18. How To Change A Vacuum Cleaner Bag Without Calling For A Man.
19. How To Close The Garage Door
20. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have Mor Time To Watch Football
21. How To Fill A Beer Mug
22. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
23. How To Put The Lid Down On The Toilet.
24. How To Stay Alive While Your Husband Is Relaxing
25. How To Stay Awake During Sex.
26. I Won't Buy It If I Can't Afford It.
27. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation.
28. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask YourMother.
29. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank.
30. Not Wearing Underwear - It Really Works.
31. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around.
32. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous.
33. Playoff Games - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut.
34. PMS - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's.
35. Putting On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain.
36. Reasons Why You Don't Need $1,000 Dresses.
37. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation.
38. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours.
39. The Remote Control - Learning Not To Lose/Break It.
40. The Weekend And Dining Out Are Not Synonymous.
41. Understanding The Female Cause Of Male Drunkenness.
42. We Do Not Want Stationary For Christmas - Put On Sleazy Underthings.
43. Why It Is Unacceptable To Do Your Makeup While Driving A Car.
44. Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Placentas During Breakfast.
45. You - The Weaker Sex.
46. You Can Change The Oil Too.
47. You Too Can Carry A Backpack.
48. You Too Can Learn To Drive Safely.
49. You Too Can Take The Dog For A Walk.
50. You, The Whining Sex.
Please Register immediately, as courses are in great demand (As if we had any doubt)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2002 02:20 PM
Rated R
Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-02-2003 08:25 AM
Rated G
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that"jumped" ahead each minute,in a very noticeable fashion.As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophis- ticatedconstruction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual,and the students considered him severely "absent-minded").A few well aimed erasers, and lo,
15 minutes were passed,and class dismissed itself.
Well,when the day for the next exam rolled around,the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room,gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour,he closed the class and collected the exam papers. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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