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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2005 10:55 AM                        Rated G Report Card Comments Teachers Would Love to Use Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. I would not allow this student to breed. This student has delusions of adequacy. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. Student has been working with glue too much. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. If your child had two brain cells, they'd kill each other.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G The Professor, the Marine and GOD! A professor was teaching his class.He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God,the expression,"One Nation Under God",was unconstitutional,and further,he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God,if you are real,then I want you to knock me off this platform.I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by.Again he taunted God,saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor,hit him full force in the face,and sent him head over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent... waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine answered, "God was busy!! He sent ME!!" God Bless America. Amen !!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:09 PM                        Rated G A generously endowed young lady at college often got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy. At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be the double D," he said. The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:18 PM                        Rated G Jimbo Show and Tell: A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:40 PM                        Rated R This keeps happening over and over again... In Sacramento, a 30-year-old teaching intern was arrested for having sex in the backseat of her car with a 16-year-old male student. Boy, this really shows how bad California's public schools are. Our kids aren't even getting sex from certified teachers -- they're substitutes! Get someone in there with a credential!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:31 AM                        Rated G When my son was in third-grade his teacher asked him to spell "straight." He did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without water," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:49 AM                        Rated G Even though my niece, Susan, was living in her own apartment within walking distance of the university she attended, my sister, Lisa, still worried about her daughter. One afternoon Lisa decided to phone her. Her apprehension grew when Susan's barely audible "Hello" came after the first ring. Nervous, Lisa asked, "Are you all right, dear?" "I'm fine, Mom," she replied, "but I'm in class!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 11:00 AM                        Rated G Little Joey: Pop, today one of my teachers told me I’m very creative! Pop: I’m so proud, Little Joey! Which teacher was it? Little Joey: The spelling teacher.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:31 AM                        Rated G Cicero My uncle gives talks of his European travels to middle school children in Kansas. On one occassion,the teacher had the class send a thank you letter to him. One student was brutally honest in her thank note: "Dear Mr. P, Thank you for telling us about Poland even though I fell asleep and started snoring. I enjoyed all of it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:39 AM                        Rated G In my class, we were doing an experiment on mold and how it grows. We were studying the effects that light and dark would have on the mold. For our concluding science project, we placed pieces of moist bread in various places in the room. Some were placed in the back corner, where it was darker, and others were placed in the front part of the room. We also put some pieces out on our back porch, in the sunlight. Several hours later, we checked on our specimens to see how they were doing. The ones left on the back porch were nowhere to be found. We searched high and low, but the pieces of bread had simply disappeared. We later found out that the kindergartners, out at recess, had seen this "feast" laid out before their very eyes. They decided that this was a snack made just for them, so they ate our science experiment, soggy bread, mold and all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:56 AM                        Rated G As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?" "Nothing," I answered back. "Why?" He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACHOO"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 12:53 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The 36 engineering students in my classroom at the Temple University were unusually quiet as I entered. Then I spotted a dishevelled old man, half lying, half sitting, a bottle wrapped in a brown bag sticking out of the pocket of his long coat. I could feel the students' eyes focused on me. "Sir, this is a classroom," I explained. "I'll have to ask you to leave." No reaction. "If you don't, I'll have to call security," I continued. Still no movement. Then I had an idea. "Sir, we're having an exam this morning. If you stay, you'll have to write it." He left.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated G Gerry The professor who comes in much too early is a rarity: in fact, he's in a class by himself.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:17 AM                        Rated G Charlie Excerpts from grade school students' papers: * The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. * A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. * (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. * The general direction of the Alps is straight up. * Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. * The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. * The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. * The parts of speech are lungs and air. * We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. * One of the main causes of dust is janitors. * A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. * One by-product of raising cattle is calves. * The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. * The climate is hottest next to the Creator. * The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. * The future of "I give" is "I take." * Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. * Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. * In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 03:54 PM                        Rated G Michele While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell the word "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."  |  IP: Logged

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