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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 01:44 PM                        Rated PG My friend and I needed a break from the boring language lesson, so I asked Mme DesJardins for a bathroom break. When she said, "En francais, sil-vous plait," I responded with the entirety of the French language I had absorbed to that point: "Mais, oui oui?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2004 09:53 AM                        Rated G One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me. By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked. "I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:28 PM                        Rated G A mother asked her daughter, who was now in first grade, how she liked school and her teacher. Her daughter replied that she really liked the teacher because she cries when the class sings a pretty song.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 02:04 PM                        Rated G At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace. It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running. "Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?" "Well," mused the unperturbed youth...."first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, Sir?'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 12:19 PM                        Rated G When he retired, my father decided to learn to sew and was the only man enrolled in the night-school class. He experienced some awkward moments in the early lessons with measurements and fitting patterns,but didn't think that hreading a sewing machine would bring the class to a standstill. The women watched in amazement as he hefted the sewing machine up to the light in one hand while holding the thread in the other,squinting to find the eye of the needle.  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 09-25-2004 02:02 AM                        Rated G From my occasional partner in crime Dave Huskinson: Teacher Arrested At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2004 08:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At Sunday school class, the teacher's plan was to explore the children's notion of God. She began the lesson with the question, "Timmy, who is God?" Timmy is six years old. His brow furrowed as he thought about the question he had been asked.After a few seconds,a smile came to his face. "God," he said, "is the man who saved the Queen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2004 11:51 AM                        Rated R One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,"Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 12:04 PM                        Rated G Betsy Teacher: "I told you to stand at the end of the line." Pupil: "I tried, but there was someone already there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 12:07 PM                        Rated G Geology... Name three types of rock. 1.Classic 2.Punk 3.Hard  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:17 AM                        Rated G Michele Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." "If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy. "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2004 09:09 AM                        Rated G Actual text of notes sent to school to excuse their offspring from classes. These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. Are you getting the idea the gene pool needs a little chlorine! John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Hold on...it gets worse... Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Brenda,she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 09:03 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In 1965, two years after emigrating to the United States, I delivered a lecture at Princeton University, New Jersey, and at the end of my speech I was asked to acknowledge a few individuals. At that time, my Scottish accent was still pronounced. One person had a Ukrainian name which, to me, defied pronunciation; but I did my best. At the end of the lecture, I talked to the woman, and when she turned to leave, she said with a smile, "It was a gallant effort, but you mispronounced my name." "Oh, I'm . . . I'm very sorry," I stammered. "No, no," she replied. "Don't apologize. You mispronounced it beautifully."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 09:08 AM                        Rated G The speaker at a seminar I attended introduced his next topic by asking the group if our office had a grape vine. Replied one bright young man, "I heard that we do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:04 PM                        Rated G Michele A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'... they won't let ME in either."  |  IP: Logged

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