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Author Topic: Education Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 10:03 AM                        Rated G A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 12:32 PM                        Rated G A senior high-school class in music appreciation was asked by the teacher the difference between listening and hearing. At first there was no response whatever. Finally, a hand went up and a youngster offered this wise explanation: "Listening is wanting to hear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 01:55 PM                        Rated G Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Gained weight. 2) Talked excessively without making sense. 3) Became overly emotional. 4) Couldn't drive. 5) Failed to think rationally. 6) Argued over nothing. 7) Had to sit down while urinating. 8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 09:52 AM                        Rated G Spaz Out of College You know you're out of college when Your salary is less than your tuition. Your potted plants stay alive. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. You have to pay your own credit card bill. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year. 8:00 am is not early. You have to file your own taxes. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. You're not carded anymore. You carry an umbrella. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass". "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up. You start watching the weather channel. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run. You go to parties that police don't raid. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down. You refer to college students as kids. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 11:21 AM                        Rated G Lulu "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary filling in the necessary forms on the first day of a new academic year. "He's a magician," said a new boy at school. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh. Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:48 AM                        Rated G B.B. Jill was attending her High School reunion and everyone was having a great time. As the evening drew to a close, the Master of Ceremonies began handing out bottles of champagne to graduates who had traveled the farthest, been married the longest, become the most successful, etc. Jill wondered if she'd done anything to merit an award. Sure enough, the Master of Ceremonies awarded her the last bottle of champagne...for having the most children. "Jill," he exclaimed, "you win for having 11 kids!" Then, trying to be clever, he added, "but the champagne is only half the gift. You also receive a giant bottle of aspirin!" "Don't bother with the aspirin!" Jill shouted back. "With this many kids, it's pretty obvious I've never had a headache!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:42 AM                        Rated G Bruce There was a young college girl that was about to finish her senior year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was always at odds with her conservative Republican father. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to a large benevolent government, and tax equalization, etc. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing!" After a moment of silence, she replied, "Dad, quit trying to change the subject."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 01:12 PM                        Rated G In the cafeteria on the first day of spring semester at Kent State University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators. Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was. One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until spring break."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 08:26 AM                        Rated G B.B. America believes in education: The average professor earns more money in a year than the professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At the home-and-school meeting, the principal expressed concern that some of the notes to parents from the office were not making it from school to home. To illustrate his point, he related an incident that had happened a few days earlier. He'd been in the hall, giving a note to a young student. The boy's older brother happened by and cried out: "Don't give that to him! He gives everything to Mom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:44 PM                        Rated G Lorraine While taking a college course in creative writing, I decided to use my brother's humorous antics as the subject for a short story. I sent Dan a copy, but it was some time before I heard his opinion of it. At the next family gathering, I finally asked him what he had thought of my collection of anecdotes. "Well, Fran, I'm sure your story's good," he began, "but if it's ever published, I could sue you for definition of character!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2006 11:06 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The university I was attending required that students complete anonymous course evaluations at the end of each semester. The compiled comments are then returned to the professor who taught the class. One psychology professor has the following excerpt from a student's evaluation of his course posted on his door: "This is only a second-year course. I feel that questions on exams requiring thinking skills are unfair."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 01:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine As an elementary teacher, I often use stickers as rewards. When one of my students stuck a little star on my shirt, I asked, "What's this for?" "You were a good teacher today," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2006 01:54 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My class was touring the SPCA, oohing and aahing over the lost-and- waiting-to-be-adopted animals. One of my fourth grade boys was gazing intently at an elaborate aquarium full of different species of fish. "They're beautiful, aren't they," I commented. He looked at me thoughtfully, then replied, "Yes, but I don't understand...how can anyone lose a fish?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 08:18 AM                        Rated G Hot Mama My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school's 10th-year reunion was taking place. While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another 10 years."  |  IP: Logged

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