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Author
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Topic: Education
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2003 06:35 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
An inflatable student goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in history lesson, he gets up and walks out.
Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster
walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.
He runs out of the school.As he gets outside, he thinks
again, "I hate school," and pulls his knife out and stabs the
inflatable school.
He runs off to his inflatable home.
Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable
bedroom door with the inflatable police.Panicking,inflatable
boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.
Later in that evening,he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and
see the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.
Shaking his deflated head the headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all,you've let yourself down. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-03-2003 07:02 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
KINDERGARTEN
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on,she had worked up a sweat.
She almost whimpered when the little boy said,"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on,this time on the right feet.
He then announced,"These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?"like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said,"They're my brother's boots.My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now,where are your mittens?"
He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
~~~~~~~~
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-07-2003 08:08 AM
Rated G
The following are all answers written by children taking exams
1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"
3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."
20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
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David Favel
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 764
From: Ashburton, New Zealand
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted 02-07-2003 06:45 PM
Rated G
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the danger of looking at a solar eclipse without one those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them
in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m., traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but areal
duck that was actually lame.
Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.)
in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry
Hyde (R-Ill.)
in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President
William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power
tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH
cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper
fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall.
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