THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

Now for the REST of the story:

The battle of Agincourt left the French army (or what was left of it) in complete disarray and with virtually no esprit de corps at all.

The astonished French could only stand and gawk and count the arrows embedded in the dead and wounded. One French corporal, with a mixture of disbelief, awe, and admiration mumbled, "Each hit!!!" as he surveyed the destruction of his proud war machine at the hands of a few English bowman. The dazed remains of the French force harkened
and, echoed a cry born of confusion, fear, and resignation - "Each hit, each hit, EACH HIT!!! rumbled through the ragged ranks of the defeated.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

As a beginning teacher of first grade students in a poor inner city school, I made the mistake of often asking the wrong questions.

After reading a story about the "Stupids," a children's book about a silly family, I asked a really stupid question.

In the story, the grandfather comes into a room and declares "This must be heaven!"

The family replies, "This isn't heaven, this is Cleveland."

Seeing that the children didn't see any humor in this, I asked "Does anyone know where Cleveland is?"

Just look at this report card!" Stormed the angry father!"Your friend Robert doesn't come home with C's and D's on his report cards!"

A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk."You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

In the cafeteria on the first day of school, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators.

Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assigment was.

One girl looked at me and said, "We're figuring out how many days until winter break."

Peter came home from school and said to his mother, "Mom, I'm not
going to school any more and I have two reasons for that.

1. All the boys at school make fun of me.
2. All the girls at school make fun of me."

A male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what part of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.

She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal, "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

"First, you have NOT done your homework.

"Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The kid with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said
was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

When a bashful student showed up after gym for the mandatory shower still wearing his gym shorts, the coach stopped him and asked, "Do you shower with shorts on at home?"

It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and
announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard.

Since Laura was one of the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to impress on her that she should try to help the youngerchildren learn right from wrong, so they said "Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?"

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. The teacher was asking them all questions:

"Sanju, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo."

"Ajay, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow."

"Rahul, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa."

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.