There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, "I had to promise my wife that I would paint the whole outside of the house just to go golfing.

"The second guy said, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

The third guy said, "You guys have it easy! I promised my wife that I would built her a new deck."

They contuined to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the fourth guy, "What did you have to promise your wife?" The fourth guy replied, "I didn't promise anything."

All the guys were shocked, "How did you do it?!" He replied,"It's simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30. Then I poked my wife and asked, 'Golf course or intercourse?' And she said,'Wear your sweater.'"   

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard.    

He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.

The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging  pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole.
He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right.

He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

"A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went througha number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday,Saturday and Sunday".

A woman just finished playing a round of golf and came off the course all
pissed off.

The golf pro, wanting to be helpful, asked her what kind of problem she was
having on the course today.

She replied, "I was stung by a bee and its been itching like crazy!"

The golf pro said "where did this happen?".

"Between the first and second hole," she snapped back.

One time at a local golf course three shitty players were going out for a round of golf at 8 a.m. Just as they were teeing off the course pro walked by.
One guy yelled out, ''Hey pro want to join us?'' The pro said sure and got his clubs and came out. The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball hooked onto another fairway.

The guy turns around and asks the pro, ''What did I do wrong?''

The pro, knowing that this would probably take a while, looks at him and says ''LOFT.'' The guy pretended to understand this and put his club back in his bag. The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. Again the guy asks what he did wrong.

The pro again says ''LOFT.''

Then the last guy walks up and hits. The ball this time goes five feet off the tee box. The guy again asks and the pro says ''LOFT.''

The first walks up to the pro and asks, ''What does loft mean if everybody sucks?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his, confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on the 6th.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again, with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the salesprofession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

One morning, a man is golfing when he meets a woman on the course.

He finds her attractive, and asks her if she'd like to play with him.

They play a round, and she wins by four strokes.

Sensing the guy's embarrassment, the woman offers to take him to the parking lot and give him head in her car to make him feel better.

For the rest of the week, they play together every morning. The woman wins by four or five strokes each time and then goes down on him in the parking lot.

On Friday, he invites her to his house for a romantic dinner. That evening, they have a lovely meal and move to the couch to fool around. The woman pulls away and says, ''That's it, stop, wait. I must confess something to you! I'm a transvestite; I'm really a man!''

''You son of a bitch!'' the guy replies.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.

But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."

Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole."

"My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.

His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees"Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls:$3,000.00" He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.