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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 03:11 PM                        Rated G Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft............... Today, it's called golf.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 12:09 PM                        Rated G JJ Hugging the West Coast Collection of Golf Sayings: When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. ~Gerald Ford It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,and write down five. ~Paul Harvey The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. ~Joe E. Lewis It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible. ~Author Unknown Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty. ~Author Unknown Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown My body is here, but my mind has already teed off. ~Author Unknown May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 06:45 AM                        Rated G "That's it!" said the exasperated golfer to this insolent young caddie."I've had enough of your lip. When we get back to the clubhouse,I'm going to report you directly to the caddie master." "Ooooooo, I'm so worried," responded the little brat. "You'd better worry," said the golfer. "And why should I worry," said the kid. "At the rate you play, by the time we get back, it'll be time for me to retire."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2002 11:47 AM                        Rated G After hitting his tee shot deep into the woods,the golfer turned to his caddie. "Did you see where that one went?"he asked. "No sir,as a matter of fact I didn't,"replied the caddie. "Well,why didn't you watch where it went?"snapped the angry man. "Frankly,sir,"said the caddie,"I was quite unprepared for it to go anywhere."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2002 01:53 PM                        Rated G THOUGHTS ON GOLF Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy Demaret May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2002 10:40 AM                        Rated PG A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet,goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help!" One of the men immediately replies,"No,I see your problem,you should have been taking golf lessons instead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:55 AM                        Rated G A ROUND OF GOLF When I finish under 90, I consider it a good day of golf. How about you? For me, it is a good day when I finish before dark!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 01:18 PM                        RATED R Colleen Collins Ferndale MI Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 03:12 PM                        Rated R This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole. He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers. Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it." So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly. Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare! He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot. As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green." The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:13 PM                        Rated PG This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said. "Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 09:19 AM                        Rated G A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 02:06 PM                        Rated G "Say, Ralph, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" "Sorry, I can't." "Why not?" 'The doctor, told me I can't play." "Oh, he's seen your game, too?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:49 PM                        Rated G Golf Definitions GOLF, n. [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind. [3] the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off {Chi Chi Rodriguez}. [4] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red. [5] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [6] is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. [7] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 01:28 PM                        Rated G The LAW'S of golf LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:44 AM                        Rated G Religious battle golf The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."  |  IP: Logged

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