my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Golf (Page 32)

This topic comprises 34 pages: 1  2  3  ...  29  30  31  32  33  34

Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:55 PM                       RATED R A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel room and have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night. They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30, his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:55 PM                       RATED PG Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?" "You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember." "Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit just short of the green. We both chipped up onto the green as well. When I walked towards the flag, I saw one ball had overshot the hole, but the other ball had apparently gone in! I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." "That was the last thing I remember."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:56 PM                       Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:56 PM                       "You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained. "I'm only doing under doctors orders." replied her husband. "Do I look stupid to you?" she screamed. "But its true," he said, walking out the door. "He specifically told me I should get some iron everyday."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:57 PM                       "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" the avid golfer's wifed asked him. "I was golfing with Tom and Ray, my dear," replied her husband. "What?" she yelled. "At 2 in the morning!?" "Well, yes," he explained. "We were using night clubs."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:57 PM                       Four middle-aged jocks were out for their usual game of golf. Seldom did any of these guys break 100 but they faithfully played three or four times a week. One day Fred was having a particularly tough time, taking his fourth shot from the bunker on a 120 yard par three. Frustrated, he expressed his feelings, and the feelings of his three buddies, when he said, "If I wasn't married I'd give up this darn game!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:57 PM                       Joe: "Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?" Mike" "Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?" Joe: "No! Of course not!" Mike: "Neither will Bob."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:58 PM                       RATED PG A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been bitten by a bee and was having a reaction. "Where was she bitten?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," was the reply. He then replied, "Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:59 PM                       RATED PG There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off. One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home. His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there." She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:59 PM                       A friend of mine hates to lose at golf. He was in a foursome when his ball landed in a sand trap. He was hidden from view, but the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at the ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him how many strokes that was. "Three." he replied. "Oh come on!" I said. "I heard six." "It was a very deep trap," he replied "Three were echoes."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 08:00 PM                       It's about the birds and the bees ... sort of... Comes the time in a boy's life when Dad sits him down for the "big talk." This was one father's approach: "Son," he said, "you'll soon have urges and feelings that you've never had before. Your heart will start to pound and the palms of your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and you won't be able to think of anything else." "But don't worry," he continued, "it's perfectly normal -- it's called golf."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 08:00 PM                       Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" Father Murphy says again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" he cried. He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" shouts the priest. By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked the priest exactly what "Hoover" meant. "It's the biggest dam I know." replied the priest.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 08:01 PM                       GROANER ALERT! My friend Lisa and her husband, David, work hard on good communication, but they do sometimes have conflicts. Last Tuesday her husband promised to be home a little early, but forgot, went golfing and got home late. Later, after he arrived home, Lisa stood by the stove finishing the meal she was preparing and her husband entertained the baby. He caught Lisa's mood, but couldn't seem to figure out why she was angry. Finally he said, "I was going to buy a sandwich today... maybe tomorrow I'll buy a sandwich." Lisa, thinking this was a comment about her cooking, fumed. However, she ignored the insult and instead addressed the fact that David had forgotten his promise to come home early. He, of course, apologized and all seemed well. The next day Lisa called David to find out whether he intended to bring sandwiches home for supper. "Sandwiches?" he said. "What are you talking about?" A long discussion ensued in which David denied the sandwich conversation and both parties ended by thinking the other was completely insane. That evening David walked through the door in triumph, holding a new golf club. "Look," he said with glee, "I bought a sand wedge!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 08:02 PM                       A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He asked, "Jack, you are spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"  |  IP: Logged John Wilson Film God Posts: 5438 From: Sydney, Australia. Registered: Dec 1999 posted 02-05-2008 04:51 AM                     Hey Tim, I'm beginning to see some sort of pattern here. Do you, um, like golf perhaps?  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 34 pages: 1  2  3  ...  29  30  31  32  33  34

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.