|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Golf
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:49 AM
Do you know who, in 1923, was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.
Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of
these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
- The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.
Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
- CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:50 AM
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I
feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel
away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a
bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto
the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the friggin putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:52 AM
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot
in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her
skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state
of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I
have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten
spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her
skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot
afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate
husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:56 AM
RATED PG-13
On the way to meet his regular foresome, Joe gets delayed in heavy
traffic. When he finally gets to the club the starter tells him that
he had no choice but to send off his three buddies. "But", the
starter says, "there's a really nice lady who's ready to go." Joes
protests but the starter says that she's very nice and a decent
player.
Joe finally decides to play with her.
During their round, Joe realizes that he's having a great time with
her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the starter said, she's
a terrific player. Joe invites her into the clubhouse for a drink
after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks in two hours time. He
then asks her to go out for dinner, and she accepts his offer. After
a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites Joe to her home for a
little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing and fooling around,
then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees it's 11:00 PM and
says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time. I've got to get home to
my wife" and he bolts out the door.
When he gets home his wife asks him where he was. He then tells her,
"Honey I can't beleive what I've done. I strayed. I was on my way
to playing with the guys early this morning and I got caught in
traffic. When I got there, they had been sent out and the starter
sent me out with this woman. We were playing and having a really
nice time. We had drinks, then we went out for dinner, then she
invited me back to her place, we had coffee and before I knew it we
were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes were flying, having
sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I had to run home to you,
and here I am".
She thought about it for a minute, looked at him and said, "You
played 36 holes didn't you?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:57 AM
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad
nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like
something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like
a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in
heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to
play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 01:58 AM
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen
old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his
pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just
golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
"Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 02:01 AM
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is
called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in
front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen
holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count,
criticize or laugh.
Golf is a dangerous sport. Everyone who plays has a stroke.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 02:03 AM
Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up
playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive
way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look,
surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors
he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.
He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion,
then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and
great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the
door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.
Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a
golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in
the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and
suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and
hit through the barn.
"No way," he says. "I can't do that."
"Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened."
"What?" she asked.
"I got a double bogey."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 01-19-2008 02:04 AM
Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together
every Saturday. One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude,
"Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to
get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I
had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her.
But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been
faithful to you ever since."
Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell
you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."
Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have
never told me this? . . . and all these years you've been hitting from the
ladies tees!!!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic