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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 07:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." (Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr...July 14, 1913--December 26, 2006) [ 11-08-2007, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-29-2006 09:37 AM                        Rated G On hold till I learn how to load.. [ 12-30-2006, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2007 08:40 PM                        Rated R A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed . The doctor snickered and said,"Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:17 AM                        Rated G B.B. A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2007 09:19 AM                        Rated G Lorraine You can always tell the golfers in church. When they put their hands together to pray, they use an interlocking grip.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2007 03:38 PM                        Rated XXX Hank in Simi Valley Golf Lessons A man goes to the golf pro for a lesson. Well, what should I do?", asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands.."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2007 08:49 AM                        Rated G Drew Isn't golf a wonderful game? I still get upset over a bad shot. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I think what a beautiful day it is. Then I take a deep breath. That's what gives me the strength to break the club. - Bob Hope -  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2007 12:51 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." And she said "Take a sweater."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:27 AM                       All his life, a most proper and dignified English Barrister widower, with a considerable income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain's truly exclusive golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the area. Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course. The club's secretary inquired, "Member?" "No, sir." "Guest of a member?" "No, sir." "Sorry," the secretary said. As he turned to leave, the lawyer spotted a slightly familiar figure seated in the lounge reading the London Times. It was Lord Willoughby Parham. The lawyer approached Lord Parham and, bowing low, said, "I beg your pardon, your Lordship, but my name is Higginbotham of the London Solicitor -- Higginbotham and Barclay. I should like to ask your Lordship's indulgence. Might I play this beautiful course as your guest?" His Lordship gave Higginbotham a long look, put down his paper and his pipe and asked: "Church?" "Church of England, sir, as was my late wife." "Education?" the elderly gentleman asked. "Eton, sir, and Oxford with a Blue and Honors. "Sport?" "Rugby, sir, spot of tennis and number four on the crew that beat Cambridge." "Service?" "Brigadier, sir, Coldstream Guards, Victoria Cross and Knights of the Garter." "Campaigns?" "Dunkirk, El Alemain and Normandy, sir." "Languages?" "Private tutor in French, fluent in German and a bit of Greek." His Lordship considered briefly, then nodded to the club secretary and said, "Nine Holes."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:28 AM                       A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:28 AM                       I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:29 AM                       A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself." The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:31 AM                       A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day." "I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day." "That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:32 AM                       A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green." As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing. He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-19-2008 01:33 AM                       This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!  |  IP: Logged

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