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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 01:24 PM                        Rated G Check your Putt: http://www.matchpractice.com/game/  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 02:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: it's called an eraser." Arnold Palmer  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 08:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. WHO COULD BELIEVE IT? - AN HONEST GOLFER About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:41 PM                        Rated G B.B. Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occured and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:52 PM                        Rated G Gerry If I'm ever stranded in the desert and need water, it's no problem. I'll just tee up a golf ball and let'er rip. The result is guaranteed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 02:19 PM                        Rated G A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the guy who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency, which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them. "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead But I enjoy playing golf. I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play." With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over during the round. Long and straight tee shots, coupled with stunning iron and short-game play, left them breathless with more than just her superior looks. When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is 3 under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys. "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Haig & Haig Scotch in him, fix him dinner, and then show him a good time the rest of the night." The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt. "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 02:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot." --Don Adams  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 06:56 AM                        Rated G B.B. Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 09:21 AM                        Rated G B.B. Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get onto that ball!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:13 PM                        Rated Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft". The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook intothe woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots,and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of fucking talent."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 10:18 AM                        Rated PG B.B. As we age, our priorities change.... The other day Bob, age 57, came home and was greeted by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, Bob tied her up and went golfing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2006 10:49 AM                        Rated G How was your game, dear?" asked Herb's wife Angela. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. "You're 68 years old, Herb!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Charlie. "But he's 78 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Herb. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Angela pointed out. The next day Herb teed off with Charlie looking on. Herb swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Herb. "Yup," Charlie answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Herb, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2006 01:40 PM                        Rated G Two duffers were playing together. After the first hole, one said to the other, "What did you take on that hole?" "I took a seven," the second duffer said. "What did you take?" "I took a six," his friend said. After the second hole, the first duffer said, "What did you..." "Hey, not so fast," his friend said. "It's my turn to ask first!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2006 08:27 AM                        Rated G "I can hear just fine" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, Windy isn't it?" "No.' the second man replied. "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2006 06:52 AM                        Rated G JT Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas And accidentally hit a bird? A: He got a partridge on a par three.  |  IP: Logged

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