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Author Topic: Golf Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 07:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf." Tiger replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right." Tiger Woods says: "You play golf!" Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Tiger says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?" says Tiger. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Tiger says, "What is your handicap?" Stevie says: "Well, I play off scratch." Tiger is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime.." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Tiger thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?" "I don't care any night next week is OK with me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 12:30 PM                        Rated G Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed light. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. Ladies are welcome players. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball. Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood. Finally, here's a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy. Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Now you know.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2006 11:24 AM                        Rated G My husband is an avid golfer and likes to practice his golf swing on our lawn. Often, during the summer, he breaks a window or two. "Oh well" we always say, "at least it was our own window." And we have the glass replaced. One year, when he was having trouble with his swing, he broke a grand total of four windows. The following spring, a parcel arrived addressed to him. It was a box of a dozen golf balls and the enclosed note read. "Have a good season. From Mike, your Window Guy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 07:18 AM                        Rated G Gerry It was a beautiful autumn day, and I decided to play a round of golf. When I called a friend to see if he wanted to join me, his wife answered the phone. "Pat's enjoying himself cleaning the yard," she said. "Right now he's pitching walnuts from under a tree into the vacant lot next door." "That's enjoyable?" I asked. "He's using an 8-iron," she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 11:44 AM                        Rated G B.B. Senior Golf! A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport..."These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer," said one of the foursome. "And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by," another complained. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 09:46 AM                        Rated G The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2006 10:22 AM                        Rated G B.B. Stance Adjustment After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 10:44 AM                        Rated G A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:32 PM                        Rated G A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home. He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home. "The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 10:15 AM                        Rated G B.B. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:45 AM                        Rated G My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on. When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long. "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:26 PM                        Rated G A fellow took his younger brother to the golf course with his pals. The younger boy thought he'd play his first game. He watched all the older boys tee off, and then stepped up to hit the ball. "ONE!" he yelled, as he swung at the ball. His brother rolled his eyes and said, "Why didn't you yell 'Fore' like the rest of us?" The boy said, "You aim at whichever hole you want, I'm trying to hit the first one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 12:58 PM                        Rated G Bob looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" Bob replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 02:22 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Because there were quite a few golfers ahead of us, my sister and I and the two older ladies with whom we had been teamed sat chatting. One of the ladies looked at me and said hesitantly, "I don't know if I should tell you this..." Alarmed, I blurted, "What?" She pointed to the biggest daddy-longlegs spider I had ever seen, perched in the middle of the front of my shirt! I shot to my feet, let out a bloodcurdling scream and frantically brushed my hands up and down my shirt. While everyone within hearing distance stared at me, I sat down to regain my composure. The lady looked at me sympathetically. "That's exactly what I would have done," she assured me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 07:34 AM                        Rated G Lulu The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word. He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word. Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up." "Golf?" asked the caddie. "No" he replied. "The Ministry."  |  IP: Logged

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