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Author
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Topic: Golf
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:34 AM
One morning, a gentleman caused a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his driver back into the bag and proceeded toward the wooded area where he thought his shot had entered. Shortly after entering the woods, he noticed he was coming upon the fence surrounding the golf course.
On the other side of the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and ambulances attending what looked like an over turned school bus. The golfer stopped at the fence, called over a bystander and inquired, "What in heaven's name happened here?"
The answer brought chills up the golfers back as he was told that it looked as though a small round object had crashed through the drivers window; striking the driver in the forehead and causing instant death. Unfortunately, that was not the worst! Several students riding on the bus had been critically injured with multiple fractures and two small children had been found thrown from the bus and were pronounced dead at the scene.
The golfer was in a state of shock, and without saying a word, quickly and quietly turned and headed back for the club house before anyone suspected him of this horrible tragedy. Upon arriving at the club house, he knew he could not hold this secret inside and looked for an official of the club.
No one seemed to be around except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation, the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in and stated, "I sliced off of number 1 and the ball went through a school bus window and it killed the driver, critically injured several students and caused the death of two young students! What in heaven's name do I do now?" To which the pro replied, "You might try either closing the club face a bit or moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball to travel!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:35 AM
Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:36 AM
The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious Sir -- it's LOFT".
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still LOFT". The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT".
The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?"
The pro looked at him and explained, "Lack Of F___ing Talent!".
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:37 AM
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:37 AM
A man was playing golf one day and he hit his ball deep into the rough. As he was searching for his ball he happened to find a bottle laying in the grass and when he picked it up, a great genie appeared.
"This is terrific," the man said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" he inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your wife will get ten times greater."
So, the man thought and he finally said, "Make me the best golfer at the club." The genie told him, "You will be the best male golfer at the club, but your wife will be ten times better." "Okay," he said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted, but your wife now has ten million dollars."
The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the man replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:41 AM
RATED R
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does
that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:43 AM
RATED PG-13
Four retired guys are out, first one tees up, slices his ball into the
trees, has to go retrieve it. While he's gone, one guy says "So Bob,
how's your son doing?"
"Well, you know my son's got an auto dealership, and they had their best
year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a car."
Next guy: "So Bill, how's your son doing?"
"Well, you know my son's got a boat dealership, and they had their best
year ever. It was so good that he gave a friend of his a boat."
Third guy: "So George, how's your son doing?. "Well, you know my son is
a real estate broker, and he had his best year ever. It was so good that
he gave a friend of his a house." Meanwhile, the guy who lost his ball
is back: "So Sam, how's your son doing?"
"Well, I dunno. You all know my son's gay... But he must be doing something
right because some friends gave him a house, a car, and a boat."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:44 AM
Two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his
golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try
this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose
it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it
into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water
it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up
in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
To which his friend replies, "I found it!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-19-2008 01:45 AM
Flannery was not much of a church-goer, as he played golf with the
same foursome every Sunday.
Father Reardon the parish priest, admonished him.
"Father," said Flannery, "I just want to know if you think there are any golf courses in heaven."
"I don't know, but I'll check with the Pope," said Father Reardonk.
The next day Father reported to Flannery. "My son, I've got good news
and bad news for you. Here's the good news. The pope says their are
plenty of courses in heaven; beautiful fairways, greens smooth as silk,
and it never gets dark, so you can play twenty-four hours a day."
"That's wonderful!" exclaimed Flannery, "but what's the bad news?"
Father said, "Well, you've got a tee-time tomorrow morning at 9:00!"
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