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Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:18 AM                       The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy. "Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?" he asked. "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:19 AM                       Golf is not usually considered one of the more dangerous sports, but don't tell Richard Passwater. While swinging at a ball in Laverne, California, Passwater hit a fence which ripped off the head of his club. The impact knocked him off balance, and he somehow managed to impale himself on the club shaft, through his lower abdomen and out his back... how do you score that?  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:19 AM                       I over was talking with two of my coworkers last Monday morning at work. "What did you do this weekend?", I asked Jim. "Dropped hooks into water." he replied. "Fishing, eh?" "No, golfing."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:19 AM                       A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:20 AM                       A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, (which has always been particularly tricky for the golfer), the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?" The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron." The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly. Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels." He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, "Which club do you think I should use?" The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron." The man turns to the caddy and shouts, "You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green!!!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:20 AM                       About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:21 AM                       Two really old guys decided that they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get to the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "Can you watch my ball for me?" The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit." So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?" "Sure!", says his buddy. "Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:21 AM                       RATED PG-13 A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish." The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger?" "Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away. Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green. He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish. The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:23 AM                       A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" Seconds later a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:24 AM                       GOLF, n. [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic. [2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you and the fastest are behind. [3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink and financially in the red. [4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort. [5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green and then you find yourself in a hole. GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker. GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes six and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:24 AM                       Upon sitting down for dinner this past Sunday, my 6-year-old daughter Emma asked why the television was on in the adjacent room. I explained to her that I'd been watching the Redskins lose and Tiger Woods win while she was taking a pre-dinner walk with her grandmother. Here's the conversation that followed: Emma: "Daddy, is Tiger Woods the best golfer in the universe?" Me: "Well, he's probably the best golfer in the world, and some people think that he's the best golfer ever." Emma: "Does he get a gigantic castle for his prize then?" Me: "No, but he could probably buy one with all the money he wins." Emma: "How much does he win?" Me: "Hmmm" (while trying to put it in terms she'd understand) Emma: "Does he win enough to buy a house?" Me: "Good question -- he could probably buy a new house EVERY TIME he wins!" Emma: "Daddy -- why don't YOU play golf?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:25 AM                       A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE". Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 9 days to complete. Note: There is another revision to these rules under consideration whereby a "GORE" may be declared on a hole after the game is finished.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:25 AM                       A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap. Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro. "What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro. "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:26 AM                       A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it". The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said "Sure!". They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!". The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won.. That was my ball."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:26 AM                       One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course, and after another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world." The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"  |  IP: Logged

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