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Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:07 AM                       I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o'er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:08 AM                       A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine." With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire. "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:09 AM                       RATED PG Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt? You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember. Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:10 AM                       A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:11 AM                       "Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?" "My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:11 AM                       Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees, and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. You look over there," he says to Sid. After five minutes, neither has had any luck. A lost ball carries a four-point penalty, so Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean, 'cheat'? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:12 AM                       One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:13 AM                       The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:13 AM                       There are three ways to improve your golf game take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:13 AM                       Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:14 AM                       A recent retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, once he was able to speak again. "Oh great!", the beginner replied, "NOW you tell me!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:14 AM                       The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. -- H.G. Wells  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:17 AM                       A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder. A man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he could NOT play through!" The first man whacked his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to make his putt, he was hit in the head by a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and there was the deaf guy looking at him. One hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:17 AM                       Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Husband: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house after my round of golf. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Husband: Eight rounds of drinks.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:18 AM                       Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that today they would play the ball where it lies... "No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief -- that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile. "Your 7-iron!"  |  IP: Logged

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