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Author
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Topic: Golf
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 01-20-2008 03:46 AM
The Game Of Golf
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and people who don't
even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truisms may shed light on reasons why.
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of
players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of there players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how
well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when
they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts,
because of another player's deal.
Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the
courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or
back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the
National Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or
$30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super
Bowl will cost $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch
the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or
football stadium. I brought a Coke into Camden Yards last year,
and an usher came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it,
or I would not be allowed to stay in the stadium.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a
season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would
shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you; In his
prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer funded sports stadium
and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words
and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills
beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Bobby Bonds
can hit a baseball.
Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:31 PM
Rules for bedroom golf:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two
2) balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to
the course.
6. Unlike out door golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the
balls out.
7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course
owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course in the future.
8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with
special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently
playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to
damage a players equipment for this reason.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the
back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace,
at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several
times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change.
For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:32 PM
The Golfing Priest
A gentleman was playing a round at his local course in Scotland, when he
overshot the green and landed near the course's fence.
As he prepared to hit out of the rough, he smelled something horrible.
Looking over the fence, he saw a decrepit old woman, stirring a cauldron.
"What are you brewing there?" he asked.
"It's a magic potion."
"What does it do?"
"It'll give you the ability to do one thing of your choice incredibly
well."
"Can I try some?"
"Sure, but I'm warning you: it has a nasty side effect. The potion could
drastically reduce your ability to have sex."
"Well, I'll take the chance." Drinking back the ladle of potion she
proferred, he voiced his wish to be the best golfer in the district.
Over the next several months, his game developed dramatically. He began
to win tournaments, and even had several people suggest he join the pro
tour.
At the beginning of the next season, he once again hit a ball into the
same area. When he got there, the hag was watching him, and called him
over.
"So, how's your golf game?"
"It's been great! I didn't even dream of playing this well. Thanks so
much!"
"Ah, but what about the side effect? Bet you're sorry about that."
"It hasn't been so bad, really."
"Oh really - how many times have you had sex in the last year?"
"About 6 or so."
"Ah! Ah! I told you the potion would reduce your ability to have sex.
Aren't you sorry you took the potion?"
"I don't know - I thought I was doing fairly well for a new parish
priest."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 12:32 PM
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9
Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again he hears
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides okay, let's see
what happens, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies
"Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a
3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply,
"Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit,
$3000,black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old
girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 12:33 PM
RATED R
A man and his new bride are on their honeymoon and just gettin ready to
consummate the marriage, when the new bride says " Honey I have a
confession to make." Now fearing the worst the groom readies himself
for bad news. She says "I'm not a virgin"
"Is that all?" he asks.
"Yes, but I have had sex with someone very famous" she replies.
"Who?"
"Tiger Woods"
The groom being an avid golfer, is surprisingly understanding and says
"that is okay honey, I still love you and I have no problem with that"
Well they both start a passionate love making session which lasts for
an hour. After he is satisfied he begins to get out of bed, and moves
towards the telephone. "what are you doing?" she asks.
"I thought I would order some room service"
"Tiger wouldn't do that"
"Oh" he says "and what would Tiger do?"
"He would get right back in here and fuck me some more!!" Well not to
be out done, he does just that. They screw for another hour, and again
he gets up to use the telephone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm kinda hungry, I thought I would get some food" he says again
"Tiger wouldn't do that, he would get back in here and fuck me somemore!!"
Well he didn't want to be outdone so he did just that, and they fucked
again!! Now after some time he got out of bed again, and she said "Now
what? Are you going to order food again?"
"No" says he
"Then what are you doing?"
"I'm gonna call Tiger"
"Why?"
" I WANNA FIND OUT WHAT PAR IS FOR THIS FUCKING HOLE!!!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 12:33 PM
RATED PG
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous
blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up
to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had
a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof
pocket in her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man!
Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her
waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to
him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been
since you've played around?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 12:36 PM
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club
in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me
against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play
Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the
Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
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