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Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:27 AM                       Posted at a local golf club. 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:27 AM                       The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied her husband.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:28 AM                       A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:28 AM                       An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:29 AM                       RATED PG Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted. "Anything the matter?" Charlie asked. "Na, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied. "He's just been trying to correct my stance." "He's only trying to help your game," Charlie soothed. "Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:29 AM                       A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor." P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:30 AM                       Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:30 AM                       A business executive had retired and was discussing the joys of his new leisure time. During the conversation he remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many, many years. "Afraid of injuries?" asked a friend. "Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:31 AM                       RATED PG The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country. The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?" He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls." She said, "Oh!", and went on dusting. A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. "I see you shot another Golf," she said.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:32 AM                       Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron, then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under-estimate his game! Giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He then proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:32 AM                       Female Golfing Terms CADDY 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. CHIPPING Time to get our nails done again. DOUBLE BOGIE "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." FAIRWAY Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. GOOD LIE Weight on our driver's license. GREENS Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. HOLE-IN-ONE Time to get new pantyhose. IRON What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. ROUGH Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. SHAFT You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing. SLICE "No thanks. . .just a sliver." TEES Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. WATER HAZARD Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip. WEDGE Bathing suit that's too tight.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:33 AM                       A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round,. So when we came upon a water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck. And I further bet another five dollars that he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet. He proceeded to launch four tee shots toward the ducks. Nothing. He then threw two balls at them by hand. The ducks never moved. Only after he lost six more golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys!  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:33 AM                       RATED PG A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Well," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:34 AM                       On the golf course most men forget how to count. I golfed with an old high school buddy this weekend, and while I remember he was never any good at math, he made counting in single digits look harder than quantum physics. I was waiting on the green for five minutes, watching him hit his ball from one sand trap to another. When we finally finished the hole I asked him what he scored. "Seven," he said. "Wow," I replied, "I got a seven, too... And my seven only had half as many swings as yours."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 01-20-2008 03:34 AM                       Golf is like marriage If you take yourself too seriously it won't work...and both are expensive.  |  IP: Logged

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