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Author
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Topic: Golf
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:36 PM
A young man, an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one
afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get
in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off
an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany
the young man as he too was golfing alone. Not having any reason to say
no, he invited the old fellow to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but moved along quite consistently and didn't waste time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball, directly between the ball and the green. After several minutes
of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know,
when I was your age I played this course many, many times. Even had a
lie similar to yours. Back then, I hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the younger man gave it his best.
He took a mighty swing, hit the ball up, and right back down. He'd hit
it directly into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back to the
ground, not more than a foot from where it had originally been. Taking
a deep breath, he tried again. Same result. Another deep breath, another
try, same result. "Damn," he exclaimed, "How did you ever get the ball over
this freaking tree?"
The old man replied, "Well, when I was your age that pine tree was only about
3 feet tall."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:37 PM
There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several
strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and
never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.
One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He
says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm
about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I
was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if
you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you
this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"
The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play
the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits
a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron
to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then
laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away
from the hole.
The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never
believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've
seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this
gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he
comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you
a check."
After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy
asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"
The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."
"That good, huh?"
"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the
middle!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:38 PM
RATED R
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping
the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250
yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing
and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth
and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:39 PM
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to
Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the
top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the
golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to
but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my
swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I
play it seems to be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play
golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to
the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."
Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game some
time."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for
money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that -- when would
you like to play?"
"I don't care -- any night next week is ok with me."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:40 PM
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless
but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame
of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And he sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing
to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly."
And he makes the eagle!
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,
"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I
am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:41 PM
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten
so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his
wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack
swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the
fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the
distance.
"I forgot."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 12:42 PM
As every golfer knows, there are 103 "things" to keep in mind and perform each
time you address a golf ball. However, very few golfers are aware that there
are "Laws" of golf that also affect our games. Thought I would share these
with you (not that it will help).
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see law three).
LAW 5: Golf balls never bounce off the trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 6: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant 'You looked up' or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 7: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
LAW 8: The person you would most hate to lose too will always be the one
who beats you.
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 07:43 PM
RATED PG
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a sales meeting. When
he arrived at his motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he
got the directions for a nearby golf course from the desk clerk. While playing
the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to
where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to finish the 18 hole golf game. On the back nine
the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and
went into the club house where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the
bar. He approached her and said, ..."Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I am in sales also,
What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh. Everybody laughs. "
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman....
so I'm still a hole behind you !!
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 07:45 PM
RATED PG-13, but lame.
There are these friends who play golf together every
Saturday. One Saturday they are getting ready to tee
off when a guy, by himself, asks if he can join them.
The friends look at each other and then look at the
guy and say, "Sure."
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the
friends get curious about what the guy does for a living.
So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.
The friends all laugh.
The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in
my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look
at it if you like."
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened
the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge
scope attached. He gets all excited and says, "WOW!
I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?"
The hit man replies, "Sure."
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can
see my house! I can even see through the windows into
my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful?
WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked
too!"
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how
much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get
$1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits.
I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's
always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I
want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
He's looking for about five minutes until finally the
man starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are
you waiting for?!?
The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to
save you a thousand bucks!"
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
|
posted 02-02-2008 07:46 PM
RATED PG
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class
prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little
English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway.
So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She
starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's
driving her crazy! He's never had it so good.
So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a
birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have
been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out.
The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that
was the right hole..."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 07:46 PM
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth
hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the
course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway
and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control,
crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it
to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do
about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded..."I think I'll close my
stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 02-02-2008 07:47 PM
A man was playing golf with his wife, as usual, Sunday afternoon on
their home course. Approaching the 18th hole (a long par 5 that doglegs
to the left), the man exclaims that he's going to reach this bastard in
two (He has never in all his years of golf). He hits his tee shot with
all his might but hooks the ball in front of a maintenance shed.
The man drives up to his ball and shouts at his wife that he might
have a chance! He had cut off most of the dogleg, making the hole much
shorter for him. His only obstacle now in the way stood the shed, with
one open door and a small window opening at the other side, lending a
clear view of the green on the other side. He explains his plan to his
wife and grabs the 3 wood. With all the strength he could muster, he
hits the ball towards the opening.
The ball rifles towards the door and hits the post, ricocheting back and
striking his wife between the eyes, killing her dead instantly.
Years later, the man finds himself playing the same course with one of
his friends. Once again they come to the 18th hole, though this time it
is the friend that hits his ball in front of the shed. Approaching the
ball, the friend exclaims,
"Hey! Look, if I hit the ball through the shed, I can still make it on in two!"
Shaking his head, the man says, "You don't want to do that. The last
time I tried that, I finished with an eight."
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