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Author Topic: Golf Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:48 PM                       RATED PG Recently Priscilla said to me, Doug, it is about time you learned to play golf --- you know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said -- sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said yes -- but sometimes on cold mornings they're kind of hard to find. Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we will tee off. What's tee off, I asked? He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse. Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you want to, but I'll tee off behind the barn, somewhere. No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger. Yeah, I've got one of those. Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it. I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around. You do, he said, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee. Well, I thought that was stretching things a little too far. He said, You've got a bag, haven't you? Sure, I said. He said, Your balls are in it, aren't they? Of course, I told him. Well, he said, can't you open the bag and take one out? I said I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I'm the old fashioned type. Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after seventy+ years I should have some sort of an idea. He said, you take your club in both hands -- well, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your shoulder. No, no, that's not me, that's my brother Harry you're thinking about. He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought, I said, in two fingers. He said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar. I said I could well imagine. Then he said, and when you're on the green -- what's the green, I asked. That's where the hole is, he said. Sure you're not color blind, I asked. No, then you take your putter -- What's the putter, I asked. That's the smallest club made, he said. That's what I've got, a putter. And with it, he said you put your ball in the hole. I corrected, you mean the putter? He said the ball, the hole isn't bit enough for the ball and the putter. Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen. He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. You mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole, and besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole? He said the flag would go up... That would be just my luck.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:48 PM                       [We all know that] Hockey is a sport for white men. [Further, that] Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf, on the other hand, is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:49 PM                       Bob, a 24 handicapper, arrived at the first tee with his regular partners. He took his driver and nailed it straight down the fairway like he had never done before. His playing partners looked on in amazement, but said nothing. Bob approached the ball for his second shot. He took out a short iron and knocked it onto the middle of the green. He then went on to calmly two putt for par. Again, nothing was said other than "Well played Bob." This sequence continued for the next five holes with Bob even par through six. The seventh was a really long, difficult par 4 of some 460 yards. Bob, however, calmly drilled one down the middle, over 250 yards! Well, by this time, his partners' curiosity got the better of them and they asked him how he had done that. Bob replied that he had just changed to new bi-focals and that when he looked down at the ball, he could see a big club and a little club, a big ball and a little ball so he hit the little ball with the big club - easy! For his second shot, Bob selected an iron and floated it right into the heart of the green. Turning to his partners, Bob said, "See, big club, little club, big ball, little ball - I hit the little ball with the big club - easy!" Bob lined up his putt. It was a real animal - a 35 footer with double break, over a ridge, with the hole tucked away at the back of the green. Bob calmly stroked the putt and it rolled easily into the cup for a birdie! Stunned silence from his partners until one asked, "How can you do that on your handicap ?" Bob's response was swift, "I told you. These new glasses are great, I saw a big ball and a little ball, looked up along the line and saw a big hole and a little hole, so I hit the little ball into the big hole. That's all - easy!" Now on the next hole, Bob disappeared from the group for a few moments. On his return, one of his partners observed that Bob's slacks were wet. "What happened Bob?", he asked. Bob relied, "I went into the bush for a quick leak and when I looked down I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it away."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:50 PM                       At a posh club in Manila, a very arrogant and nasty American is playing a round with a client. He is very abusive to his caddy but all smiles with his client, you know the type. At the sixth hole (185 yards, over water) he asks his caddy, "What club do I use here?" The caddy says, in broken English, "When Mr. Ray Floyd played here last year he used a six iron." The golfer rudely grabs the six iron and hits the ball. the ball lands in the middle of the pond and the golfer erupts! "Hey stupid, you gave me a six iron and it was obviously not enough! I hit that ball perfectly, and still it went right into the water!!" The caddy replied "That's just what Mr. Ray Floyd did too."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:50 PM                       RATED PG There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. One lady gasped, "I think I know that guy, isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, squinting to see better, "I think it's just a reflection of the grass!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:50 PM                       Tour Through The Absolute Laws of Golf The 1st Tee No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime. The 2nd Dogleg Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. The 3rd Hole Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. The 4th Fairway Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should immediately be cut down.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:51 PM                       More on the Laws of Golf... The 5th Hole The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor. The 6th Rough Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. The 7th Fairway Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. The 8th Tee Palm trees eat golf balls. The 9th Sand Bunker Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:51 PM                       The Back Nine of the Laws of Golf... The 10th Green Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. The 11th Water Hazard A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. The 12th Tee All 3-woods are demon-possessed. The 13th Fairway Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see 3rd Hole) The 14th Sand Bunker A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:51 PM                       The Final Leg of the Tour... The 15th Green "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." The 16th Tee The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. The 17th Fairway The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. The 18th Bunker Golf should be given up at least twice per month.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:52 PM                       And Finally... The 19th Hole All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:52 PM                       I think that I shall never see, a hazard rougher than an tree. A tree o'er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie. A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard. A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send. A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me, who cannot ever miss a tree.  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:52 PM                       This Hacker hit his drive out of bounds and the ball came to rest in the middle of a large red ant bed. He figured he would hit it from that lie, so he took his stance, took a big swing, missed the ball and ants went flying everywhere. He tried again, and same as before, missed the ball and again, ants were flying everywhere. After the third gigantic swing and miss, one ant said to another one, "If we're going to save ourselves, we better get on the ball."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:53 PM                       RATED R A husband and his wife were playing in golf tournament. They've done pretty well, considering he can't see anything below his stomach, and she's walking with a cast. They've made it through all the challenges, and are playing the final play-off hole... it's down to a bitty little 4 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and the husband can see her trembling. She putts, she misses, and they lose the match. On the way home in the car, the husband is fuming..."I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!" he spouted. His wife just looked over at him, smiled in that sardonic way she has, and said, "Yes dear, but it was MUCH harder!"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:54 PM                       A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the tree and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore." says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 02-02-2008 07:54 PM                       Two men are talking at the water cooler at work one Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?" asked Don. "Dropped hooks into water." replied Dave. "Fishing, eh?" "No, golfing."  |  IP: Logged

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