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Author
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Topic: Golf
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-04-2008 12:52 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lorraine
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-28-2008 02:40 PM
Rated G Lorraine
An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-11-2008 11:49 AM
Rated G Lorraine
THE REAL RULES OF GOLF:
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-16-2008 10:59 PM
Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, 'she told him. Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, ' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-20-2008 11:42 AM
Rated G
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
Then when they both had died..
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.He took them to a beautiful mansion,furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' St Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St Peter to the man.
This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked a round and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods,
and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.
'You can eat and drink as much as you like
of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your bran muffins...
We could have been here ten years ago..!' ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-13-2008 09:30 AM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, ont.
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie speaks to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, looked at the robot and thanked him for his a assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he looked at the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter looked back at the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."
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![[Wink]](wink.gif)
But I also found a TON of golf jokes that I figured would be good to get my post count up. Heh-heh. 
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